Heart's night out.

The happiest moments in life are those that just don't seem to logically make sense. Thats when you realize how your heart has a soul of its own and no matter how hard your brain tries, it'll never even get close to understanding the ways of the heart.

It is the heart that feels at peace when you lay in the arms of someone and it is the same heart that hurts when you have to leave them, even if its just for a while. Sure, the brain justifies it by trying to fit it into a fixed frame that the society has created for relationships, but in your heart, you know that none of them mean that.

When someone breaks your heart, you feel unbelievable pain that you think you can never get through. Your brain gets into hyper action mode and starts building all these walls around your heart and starts making false promises of never letting anyone beyond those walls.

But its all pointless.

Because when things are right, the heart always soars beyond the walls and does what it wants to without giving the consequences even the slightest thought. The brain just watches helplessly and starts predicting the hurt and the pain, and goes on and on about how this is the millionth time that the same mistake is being repeated.

But tonight, its time for me heart to just be. No judgement from the brain, no predictions, no dwelling on consequences. No ANYTHING.

Just my heart being happy.

I'm long gone

I didn't ask for this. I didn't ask to be pulled out of my comfort zone and thrown to the far end. I was just fine without you in my life. I was fine doing what I thought was right.

And then everything I've known all my life turns out to be a lie. I feel like I'm floating in the deep ocean with absolutely nothing to hang onto. I have no idea which way I should go because I can't see land anywhere.

I didn't want to have emotions raging a war in me this soon. I didn't want you. I didn't want you to hold me that night. I didn't want you to let my hair down.

I don't even know you and you've already managed to start a war of emotions that I'm losing. I didn't want to cry, I didn't want to feel the familiar pains of love. No, I didn't want any of that.

I thought when I did finally let my heart go, I would be strong enough. I didn't want it snatched away and then thrown back to me.

Now I feel stupid. I feel weak. I feel sick in the stomach. I feel everything that I promised myself I would never feel because I thought I was better than that.

But you proved to me that I'm not.

One of those days

Its one of those days.

One of those days when you realize that every night, you come back to an empty house.

One of days when you're walking back home and all the songs on shuffle seem to be about loneliness and heartbreak.

One of those days when you wish you had someone's arms to cuddle in after a long day at work.

One of those days when it seems like that heartbreak happened just yesterday.

One of those days when you see a cute couple and you can't help but wonder what it would be like to have that with someone.

One of those days where nothing you do seems to make too much sense.

One of those days when you just want to lie in bed and have a dream-less sleep.

One of those days where you're smiling at everyone and making conversation but it all feels out of place.

Its one of days that will pass.

Tomorrow I'll wake up and today will be a thing of the past, maybe even forgotten.

But for now, its still just one of those days.

If you could see me right now

This is for my grandfather who passed away a few weeks back. If you're around, I hope you're reading every word.

I don't remember you. All my memories of you are just flashes of your face and phrases of the many things you've said to me. I'm trying so hard to remember every single moment we spent together but I can't. I just can't. My mind goes blank when I think about you.

When you went away, I told myself how it was bound to happen. I told myself that it was best for you and that you were put out of your suffering. I told myself that it was a good thing I wasn't around because I couldn't have handled the way you suffered before you left.

Everyone around me told me to be strong and told me that you're in a better place. They spent hours talking about how beautiful your life was and what an amazing person you were. They told me stories of you as a child and told me every happy moment in your life that they remembered.

I spent hours looking at photographs of you - I kept trying to recollect every memory of yours that I had stored away - but I couldn't. After a while, those pictures said nothing to me.

I hardly cried when you left. Things surprisingly went back to normal very quickly. My world didn't stop turning and nothing felt different. I didn't feel incomplete - It felt like you'd left a long time ago .

I felt so normal that I started feeling guilty that I wasn't crying. I had no clue why I couldn't cry. I felt guilty at the way I went on with my life like nothing happened.

But tonight, as I'm writing this, I want you to know that I would give anything in the world to hear you call me name. I would sacrifice everything I have just to hear you yell out from the kitchen when someone tried to get you to eat. I would give anything to walk into your room and see you lying on your bed, half asleep. I would give anything to be able to yell at you when you tried walking away on your own. I would give anything to be able to coax you and feed you again. I would give anything to hear you whine in your sleep. I would give anything just to see the way your face would light up at the thought of sweets.

There was so much I left unsaid and now its too late to say anything at all. I want you to know that I love you - even if I didn't show it much in the last two years. I didn't mean to stay locked up in my room most of the time - it was only because seeing you being ill was too hard for me. I wanted your good days to stay in my memory and not your bad ones. Im so sorry if I ever made you feel like I didn't love you. I'm so sorry if you ever thought that you were being a trouble to me.

Even when you were suffering in pain and I spent the night taking care of you, you looked up at me and said "You poor thing, because of me you have to go through so much trouble."

You always thought of me. And tonight, I can't stop thinking about you.

I'm sorry - please know that I'll always love you.

Moments of oblivion

The book slipped from her hand and dropped to the floor as she fell asleep.

Her soft breaths muffled the silence in her apartment. Water trickled, one drop at a time at the far end of the room. The ticking of the clock sounded louder than it was meant to be.

Someone was playing the piano a few floors below while someone else paced up and down on the floor above. The couple that lived next door were arguing over dinner and the voices drifted into her room.

If one listened closely enough, the rustling of the leaves on the trees down below characterized the wind. A dog whined as it nursed a wound.

The pages of her book ruffled as it lay on the floor.

But she dwelled in oblivion.

She couldn't hear any of it, not ever her soft breaths.

Lamp posts and gifts

Maturity comes when you learn to accept loss.

She sat and looked across the lake. The crickets were specially loud that night. The chattering of people on the other side floated through the air. The humid wind blew across her face. A tiny frog hopped into the water. She leaned against a lamp post and took a deep long breath. She smiled to herself as she heard laughter from the other end.

Memories of conversations that lasted entire nights, tears that were shed, jokes that were cracked, dreams that were built - they all came back to her. This had been their spot. A place they called their own. Some of her best times was under the lamp post, overlooking the lake and the entire city.

Tonight, she was there alone. Everything was exactly the way it had always been - but he wasn't there. Her heart tugged but there were no tears. There was no pain, no hurt, no sorrow. Instead, there was joy as she thought about the good times, there was peace as she thought about conversations that taught her to be who she was today, there was love as she thought about the times they spent in silence and there was warmth when she thought about everything he'd taught her.

The next morning would come and she'd wake up like everyday and go on with her life without him. But it no longer made her sad. Because she knew that what he'd left behind was what made her who she was today.

She was his farewell gift to her.

Behind the mask

Masks.

Big colorful ones. Tiny demure ones. Sexy intriguing ones. Dark enveloping ones.

What happens when they come off? Who is that person behind it?

All my life, I've walked around thinking that masks are for cowards. For those who don't have the courage to let the people around see them for who they are. I kept letting people se through me. I made excuses for them when they hurt me. "Atleast I let them see the real me", I'd think.

The scars and the blows got bigger, my excuses got weaker. I tried, I swear I did - I hoped against hope that it'll all be okay. But it just got worse.

Till one day, a single blow brought me hurtling down. The excuses vanished and I just lay there, gasping for breath. Everything fell to pieces. It hurt so much that I stopped feeling it.

Nothing.

Zilch.

I stopped feeling the hurt. I just felt faintly bitter but I knew that if I had to survive, it would only be with a mask.

So here's my mask - one thats made of spunk, joy, being carefree - one that hides my vulnerability, stops me from telling someone what I feel, one that makes me feel powerful and strong when I'm behind it.

But tonight, its just me. No mask. No walls. Nothing to protect me.

Just me.

Lullaby

I can feel my layers get ripped out. The pain of the present make the past dull. I miss who I was but I'm forced to change, to "grow up", they say. No place for emotions or feelings; just the cold wind whistling in through the window.

I want it to be refreshing but it just leaves me with goosebumps. I tell myself that change is good, change is the only constant - my bitterness will do good for me and one day, there will be someone who will make it all go away. But that someone might never turn up. After all, it is time to grow up isn't it?

Believing in something and hoping for it was what I grew up doing. I got hurt over and over but I never gave up. Today, after all those sleepless tearful nights, all those consoling talks with best friends, all that time I spent nursing my broken heart thinking there will be someone who'll make it all better - I give up.

Because at the end of the day, you're all you've got. You are the only one who can fix that heart. You are the only one who can wipe the tears away. When it gets cold at night, you're the only one who can get warm. There is no "someone".

Its just you and the world.

And its finally time to accept it.

So lay your head on the pillow and sing yourself a lullaby.

Home

New place. New people. New city. New country.

Nobody knows who i am. Nobody knows my past. Nobody knows whats going on in my head. They don't even know what the expressions on my face mean.

I can be whoever I want to be. I'm torn between who I was and who I want to suddenly be. I fear falling into the same patterns with new people.

A stupid mistake and my cover gets blown. I can't be someone else - Reinventing myself isn't as easy as I thought it was. I'm just back to being my old self - the same thoughts, same dialogues, same tears, same expectations.

Are the people really new then? Is the place really new? Does it matter if the country is different?

I feel the same way I used to back "home".

Only, now I feel it 2500 miles away.

Favourites

The feeling of having the cold wind whip across your face....
The way a cup of coffee warms you up on a rainy day...
Having a friend hug you and making you feel like it'll be okay...
Sharing a smile with a stranger on the bus...

Having your dog sit beside you and cuddle while you cry your heart out....

Drowning the pain in a scalding hot shower....

Singing loudly in the bathroom....

Resting your head on someone's shoulder....

Looking into someone's eyes and failing to hide your emotions....

Listening to someone tell you how proud they are of you...

Making someone else laugh...

Cycling in the rain...

Day dreaming at work...

Playing mind numbing games online...

Staying up on the phone talking to someone you thought you'd lost....

Using your old crayons to colour a rainbow....

Handling the biggest challenges with your head straight ahead....

Manage to get up and pull yourself together after being knocked down the hill...

Singing to someone and have them sit speechless when you're done...

Listen to the person you love tell you how they love you...

Eating a big meal to make yourself feel better...

Having someone to call in the middle of the night...

Dancing in the first shower of May...

Missing someone so much that your throat dries up and your heart tugs when you think of them..

And these are a few of my favourite things.

Exceptions

The sun sets and the sky turns a deep shade of pink. The birds fly over my head, heading to a place they call home. There's a light breeze teasing the loose strands of hair across my face. The moon's getting brighter by the second.

I take a deep breath and let it out slowly. The tears have dried, the wounds are bandaged, and my heart's finally beating again. The pain's almost gone - it's just a dull reminder now. Everything that used to be doesn't matter anymore. My dreams of an "us" is now a distant memory.

I even manage a tiny smile.

Some people end up with the ones they fall in love with. But some don't. We can't all be the exception. Not everyone's life becomes a love story. Some of them are meant to last while others fade away. Heart breaks are more common than I thought they were. And for once, I'm average too.

I'm not the exception. We are two different people with two different stories. Mine's just not happened yet.

"Us"

I lay in bed with my eyes wide open.

I can't sleep because you seem to have made yourself a priority in my head.

Things you said, your expressions, our fights, our conversations, the way you looked at me, the way you smell, the way your hair feels - they all stroll across my mind.

I turn to my side, desperate to change what I'm thinking about.

But I have no luck. You're still on my mind. Your I-love-you texts flash across my eyes.

I miss you. I miss the comfort we shared. Maybe I screwed up by telling you that I was in love with you - and now, I regret it every minute of everyday.

I lay on my back and sigh. I think of the Saturday morning conversations, the times when we had conversations with our eyes, the secret texts, the concerned phone calls.

And then the tears start. The big lump in my throat melts and the tears fall, staining my pillow.

I don't want the apartment with yellow bathroom tiles. I don't want twin babies. I don't want arguments over dinner. I don't want to ride behind you in your bike as you drop me off to work every morning. I don't even want to wake up every morning to see your face. I don't want you to make me tea.

I want you to make pervy jokes in an attempt to disgust me. I want you to put your arm around me just so that no one else does. I want you to send me random I-love-you texts. I want you to call me on Saturday morning and discuss morning hormonal changes. I want you to tell me how you'll kick any guy who tries to get close to me.

I want you back. I want us back.

Till death do us apart

She sat on the edge of her bed and let the tears fall. They were hot with fury as they rolled down her cheeks. She crushed the sheet of paper she was holding. She just couldn't take it anymore.

She flung the crushed piece of paper across the room and slipped onto the floor, wailing.

She was so sick of it. So disgusted; so exhausted.

All she wanted to do was to hide somewhere, shake off all her worldly responsibilities and take time to heal her broken heart.

She was tired of always having to make the first move. She was tired of the guys who chatted her up, only to tell her later that they had girlfriends. She was tired of hoping and wishing that there will be that one guy who will make it all better - that guy was too busy making someone else's life better. She was tired of waiting to be noticed. She was so sick of it all that even her tears didn't make anything better.

She curled up on the floor and weeped. She cried for all the times she was made a fool; she cried for every time she believed in a guy. She cried for every single memory that was etched in her heart. She cried for her hopelessness - her shattered beliefs.

As she cried, a part of her died and got washed away in those tears. The memories flashed across her eyes, putting her into a daze. She let all her pain, embarrassment, sorrow, hurt, rejection and wounds pass through her. She felt every emotion intensely - she writhed uncontrollably.

She was done with this.

And as she lied there, limp and exhausted, she felt hollow and empty - incapable of trust or emotion from now on.

L.O.V.E.

Love.

Something that I believed would be my "nirvana". Love, one word that can make anyone smile. It made me smile. I thought being in love was the best feeling in the world. For a brief period, maybe it even was.

I associated love with endless hours of silly grinning, whispering on the phone in the middle of the night, typing out little black hearts at the end of every sentence, having a "perfect" picture framed on your table, long walks, electrifying kisses and the most exclusive hugs you can get in a lifetime.

You're probably thinking how naive all that sounds. Well, if you aren't, then I definitely am.

I grew up a little, got into a relationship. The meaning of love changed. Love meant endless hours of talk on the phone, honesty, the meaning of forever, dinner at a cozy place, talks about life, sharing our deepest darkest secrets, a relationship without judgement, laying in each others' arms through the night, heated arguments that ended with I-love-you's, hugs that froze the world around you and kisses that made you feel like you belonged.

But that passed too. The same "love" that I had given so much meaning to, left me broken hearted, lonely and desperately searching for the scattered pieces of my life.

I grew up a little more, shook off every bit of naiveness I had in me and looked straight ahead.

I started questioning the very basic associations I made with the word "love".

The little black hearts, the whispering on the phone, the love songs, the perfect hugs, the dinner dates, the kisses - they all went out the window.

Instead, hurt, rejection, caution, tear stained pillows, bars of chocolate, heart-break songs, disbelief and dismissive thoughts moved in.

When I was younger, I faced rejection from a boy who sat two seats ahead of me in class and spoke to me only when he wanted me to help him out with his artwork. I was hurt, but my heart still believed that love was wonderful.

I faced rejection again from a boy who would sing to me on the phone because I loved his voice so much. I still believed in the existence of a happy ending.

The boy who became my best friend and had me by his side the whole time rejected me too. My belief flickered, my heart cracked but I still believed.

The boy I thought I would spend forever with, changed. Endless nights of yelling and crying resulted in a broken relationship. It also resulted in a shattered heart and a belief that had seized to exist.

So here I am today, one year later - still trying to figure what I think love is. Hurt or joy? Acceptance or rejection? Security or false hopes? Little black hearts or the shattered one I'm nursing?

What is it? What is Love?

The little green button

She sat holding her phone, hesitating to dial the number. Her thumb lingered around the 'call' button.

Call him.

Don't.

Call.

No way.

Just hit the god damn button!

Stop acting stupid. It's the red button.

She sighed and closed her eyes as she put her head back. She stayed silent as she emptied her mind. She pushed all her thoughts away and just sat there, as the world stopped turning for her.

After what seemed like forever, she opened her eyes. There were no tears. No pain. No hurt. She put the phone down on the couch and got up. She straightened out her top and walked out of the room.

The number on her phone remained undialled.

A heart in search..

He walked into the room, clutching a book in his hand.

It was empty. He looked around and saw the front door open. He ran out the door while a huge rock settled on his heart.

He yelled her name out a few times and looked around. He ran across all the cross streets but didn't see her anywhere.

He finally jogged to the beach, holding his tears back.

He saw her sitting there.

And the rock suddenly melted away and the tears fell.

Waves and tears

They stood across the room, looking at each other.

The silence was excruciatingly long and uncomfortable.

He opened his mouth to say something, hesitated a bit and then went quiet.

He turned away from her, opened the door and walked out.

She stood there, tears streaming down her face.

She picked up her bag and ran out the door, out of his house and onto the streets.

She ran till she reached the beach.

She kicked her sandals off and collapsed onto the sand.

Tonight, the sound of the waves and the cold sand comforted her.

A tear rolled off her cheek onto the sand.

Heart over the head

She sat on the edge of his bed, too scared to turn and look into his eyes.

How can I tell him? It is so wrong for me to even think like that! What if he gets uncomfortable? I'll ruin our friendship if I tell him. I can't. I just can't. But God! Why can't he see that we're meant to be? It is so obvious! We...

"You've been so silent! I know that head of yours must be over working, as usual! Tell me, what are you thinking about?" He pulled her to face him. Those hazel eyes pierced through her thoughts and her soul. She felt her insides melting.

"You must be sleepy! You look really tired to me" he said, gently brushing the hair off her face.

She nodded, being unable to open her mouth to answer his question.

I'm not sleepy! I'm far from being sleepy! I'm going crazy in this head of mine. I've gone down this path before and I've been hurt. Why can't I just let this go? Why am I doing this to myself? I should stop. I am not in love with him. He's my best friend. Thats all he is. No romance, no nothing. I'm....

"You should probably stop thinking so much. Come on, let it out! Talk to me!"

"I....Its.....Its nothing. Really. I was just thinking about...umm, home."

"Ha! I really find the fact that you think you can hide your thoughts from me very amusing!" he said, smirking.

She just sat there, avoiding those eyes.

How can I possible try to comprehend my feelings for you? How can I tell you that I believe that someday, you'll leave this very hot girlfriend of yours and come to me? How can i tell you that when you tell me you love me, my heart aches to know that its never as your girlfriend?

How...

"Fine. You come all the way to see me and you don't even want to tell me what you're thinking." His voice was tainted with frustration.

He got up and started walking towards the door.

He's leaving. I have to tell him! No, I shouldn't. He's in a relationship and he's very happy. I will not. I have to! No I don't. I can't. But...

"I love you."

He turned back to face her.

" Every time I say that, I wish you'd realize how much I mean it. When you brush the hair off my face, all I want to do is to lean forward and kiss you. When we go on long rides, all I want to do is to look at you and have you look back at me the same way. When we fight and make up, all I want to do is to rest my head on your shoulder. When I see you after a long time, I want to tackle you into the biggest hug I can give.

When we're in the car fighting about directions, I can't help but think how perfect we are. When I hold onto you while you ride the bike, I have bells ringing in my head! When you get annoyed because someone tried to make a pass at me, I feel protected.

Sometimes, when something's meant to be, you just know. And for the first time, I know - In our world, we define perfection. You and me."

He stood there, trying to take in everything she had just said.

She stood there anxiously waiting for him to say something.

Sand and water

She sat in awe as she listened to the waves crash on the shore. Her toes squirmed as they enjoyed the feeling of cold sand between them. She swayed to the music in her head. She smiled to herself.

Loneliness was something she'd always run away from before. But tonight, she enjoyed every second of it. She sighed in contentment as she closed her eyes and lay back on the sand.

____________________________________________

He panted as he ran along the shore. He'd set out later than usual for his evening jog so the beach was almost empty. He could hear the waves over the music he was listening to. His jog became a brisk walk and soon, he slowed down to a stroll. Every muscle in his body ached and his skin felt like it was on fire. He pulled the earphones out of his ears, kicked his shoes off and collapsed on the cold sand.

He just lay there for what seemed like an eternity.

Suddenly, he heard a tiny cough and jerked up. He looked around and saw someone lying just a few feet away from him, motionless.

"Umm, hello?" he said. He waited patiently for a response.

Nothing.

He got up and went to her side. Her eyes were closed and a few strands of hair blew gently across her face. She looked content, something he had probably never felt.

He sat in silent admiration for a while, just looking at her contented expression.

_______________________________

She opened her eyes slowly, expecting to see the starry sky. Instead, there was a face that was looking at her intently. Her expression morphed into one of fear and irritation.

"What the hell...?" She almost yelled as the face quickly looked away.

"What do you think you're doing?! Who the hell are you? Haven't you ever heard of giving people their privacy?! Are you mental??" The words all tumbled out as she brushed the sand from her clothes and got up in a hurry.

"You were just lying there! I was just making sure everything was okay! Before I could wake you up, you woke up yourself!" he said, slightly embarrassed, trying to defend himself while looking away.

As she stood there breathing heavily, she looked at the guy standing a few feet away from her. His height complemented his athletic build. She noticed he was bare feet and when she looked further, she saw his shoes lying in the sand.

She suddenly realized that he was looking at her, expecting a reply to something he had just said.

________________________________________

His face was hot with embarrassment and the tips of his fingers turned cold. She had woken up when he was looking at her. He had no clue why this bothered him so much but it did.

He'd bolted a few feet away from her as she rose in indignation. He answered her annoyed questions, getting very defensive.

He stood facing away from her. He turned a little and looked at her out of the corner of his eyes. She was standing there as mortified as him. Her expressions were a queer mixture of amusement and confusion.

He turned around to face her and looked at her expectantly.

She fumbled and turned away. She took a few steps and then hesitated. She turned around to look at him.

"We...well, just don't scare people like that again!!"

And then she turned and walked away, without waiting for a reply.

And he just stood there, trying to figure out if it was a grin he'd seen on her face as she walked away from him.

Inbox(1)

She sat in a corner, wiping her tears away. She had to be strong and pull through.

Stay strong for what? To get crushed again? To hope and then to fall and hurt myself? I don't even know what I want! I don't even know who I'm becoming! I can't stand staying here for another minute. I....

Her phone buzzed. She picked it up to find a new message.

Sup?

Sup? I haven't spoken to him in a week and he couldn't find a better time to text. Brilliant. I don't want to reply! But I still want him to know I'm feeling horrid. I wish he was around, he'd make things better. He's such an ass. But he's my best friend. I don't want to make him mad by not replying. What if.....

So guess what? I'm at that Italian Restaurant that we went to the other day.

I'm sitting here and going through existential crisis and all he has to say to me is that he's in some restaurant?! I want to be back in Chennai. God, I miss that place so much, I miss the beach. I'd always go to the beach when I had to deal with myself. He'd come too. I miss him now. Oh god, not again, I can't keep getting.....

Hello?? Fell off the face of the Earth?

Bloody hell! Fell off the face of the Earth??!?! Who says that to someone who's weeping her heart out?! Well, yeah, he doesn't know that but....argh! Now he's annoying me!

But before she could send an annoyed reply, her phone buzzed with another message.

I just realized that the food here is pretty bad. I guess the last time, you were here. I never paid attention to the food. I miss you.

She smiled and the tears fell again but this time, she didn't wipe them away.

Two worlds

He ran across the court, dribbling the ball by his side. He blocked and took a tough shot at the basket. The ball balanced precariously on the ring as every single player stopped to watch it. As everyone gasped, it fell in, making him the star of the match. The girls who were sitting on the bleachers erupted in Ooh's and Aah's while his team mates ran up to pat him on the back. He was pretty excited and looked around at all the people cheering for him. As he was looking away, a girl at the end of the bleachers caught his sight. She had her earphones plugged and looked completely lost in a small thick book that she was reading. He found himself getting slightly annoyed at her lack of interest in what he'd just achieved. He turned around and started running across the court. He looked up at her again and saw her smiling at the book - and he found himself smiling at that.

----------------------

She sat at the far end of the bleachers, away from the rest of the girls who were there just to cheer on the guys playing. She had a free period and the library was closed so she found herself a shady spot and settled down. She plugged her earphones in and ruffled through the pages of her novel, trying to find the page she'd stopped on. There was a lot of cheering happening but the music drowned it out. She found the page and started reading, blissfully ignoring everything happening around her.

A loud cheer and the annoying giggling of the girls nearby made her look up. She saw a boy on the court looking particularly pleased with himself and the rest of the team patting him on the back. She almost immediately went back to her book, assuming that he'd just shot a basket. She found herself smiling at all the cheering and yelling the girls were doing. She looked up again and saw the boy running across the court. As he turned around to face her, she went back to reading from where she'd left off, still smiling at the amusement she'd witnessed.

Not-so-perfect Plan

Its so easy to think with your head; it's equally as easy to feel with your heart.

But what happens when you try to think with your heart and feel with your head?

Confusion. A lot. You think you know what you want but apparently you don't. You promise yourself and justify very convincingly that you won't be feeling any of these emotions but you do anyway.

Segregation. You think, "No emotions involved! Of course, now that I've said it, it's not going to happen!" If only it was that easy. So then you're overwhelmed by emotions and suddenly you realize that your "perfect plan" isn't really perfect. Perfectly idiotic maybe, but not perfect.

When you finally see the fact that you've been stupid by thinking- even for a split second-that you can control your heart and think with it, the feeling of annoyance is overwhelming.

And then somewhere, deep down inside, the void that you wanted to fill with this "perfect plan" re-emerges.

At the end of the day, you're left with emotions you don't want to deal with, a hurt ego, a defeated brain, a void that's threatening to eat up your insides and a not-so-perfect plan.

Note to self: Plan needs correction. BIG TIME.