Sunday, March 20, 2011



Something that I believed would be my "nirvana". Love, one word that can make anyone smile. It made me smile. I thought being in love was the best feeling in the world. For a brief period, maybe it even was.

I associated love with endless hours of silly grinning, whispering on the phone in the middle of the night, typing out little black hearts at the end of every sentence, having a "perfect" picture framed on your table, long walks, electrifying kisses and the most exclusive hugs you can get in a lifetime.

You're probably thinking how naive all that sounds. Well, if you aren't, then I definitely am.
I grew up a little, got into a relationship. The meaning of love changed. Love meant endless hours of talk on the phone, honesty, the meaning of forever, dinner at a cozy place, talks about life, sharing our deepest darkest secrets, a relationship without judgement, laying in each others' arms through the night, heated arguments that ended with I-love-you's, hugs that froze the world around you and kisses that made you feel like you belonged.

But that passed too. The same "love" that I had given so much meaning to, left me broken hearted, lonely and desperately searching for the scattered pieces of my life.

I grew up a little more, shook off every bit of naiveness I had in me and looked straight ahead.
I started questioning the very basic associations I made with the word "love".

The little black hearts, the whispering on the phone, the love songs, the perfect hugs, the dinner dates, the kisses - they all went out the window.

Instead, hurt, rejection, caution, tear stained pillows, bars of chocolate, heart-break songs, disbelief and dismissive thoughts moved in.

When I was younger, I faced rejection from a boy who sat two seats ahead of me in class and spoke to me only when he wanted me to help him out with his artwork. I was hurt, but my heart still believed that love was wonderful.
I faced rejection again from a boy who would sing to me on the phone because I loved his voice so much. I still believed in the existence of a happy ending.
The boy who became my best friend and had me by his side the whole time rejected me too. My belief flickered, my heart cracked but I still believed.

The boy I thought I would spend forever with, changed. Endless nights of yelling and crying resulted in a broken relationship. It also resulted in a shattered heart and a belief that had seized to exist.

So here I am today, one year later - still trying to figure what I think love is. Hurt or joy? Acceptance or rejection? Security or false hopes? Little black hearts or the shattered one I'm nursing?

What is it? What is Love?

Friday, March 4, 2011

The little green button

She sat holding her phone, hesitating to dial the number. Her thumb lingered around the 'call' button.

Call him.
No way.
Just hit the god damn button!
Stop acting stupid. It's the red button.

She sighed and closed her eyes as she put her head back. She stayed silent as she emptied her mind. She pushed all her thoughts away and just sat there, as the world stopped turning for her.

After what seemed like forever, she opened her eyes. There were no tears. No pain. No hurt. She put the phone down on the couch and got up. She straightened out her top and walked out of the room.

The number on her phone remained undialled.