Friday, June 11, 2010


When I think of my life, I always think of it as relationships. A zillion people I know, but only a few that I share relationships with. And somehow, these relationships stand out and define my past. I'm not someone who can be with myself a lot, and to admit it was a very scary thing to do. All my life, I've always done things to make someone else happy, to impress someone, to be accepted by someone else, to help someone, to be there for someone....Doing all this, I left myself behind somewhere. Maybe it was because I thought that the people I cared for would take care of me or maybe I just never thought.
Having moved away for the past few years and then come back, I've been unearthing all my past relationships. Some of them give me so much joy, make me laugh till my sides hurt and envelope me in a warm feeling - one of belonging. There are others that leave me confused because we both seem to have moved onto different tracks. And then, there are those relationships that haven't changed at all, but somewhere, deep inside of me, there's a fresh surge of emotion.
And yet, amidst all this, there are times when I feel incredibly lonely, lost and angry. A lot of my past is still so alive in me, because there haven't been closures. There are so many relationships that I can't seem to let go of, even though the others have left a long time ago.
I keep thinking that one day, I'll get what I want and then, none of this will ever matter. But will it, really? Will that one relationship give me so much love, so much support, so much power that I can let go of all my past unfinished ones? Does love like that even exist? Or is it just something I'm saying to myself to feel better?