Fairytales

Its not about where you took me for dinner or what you bought me over the weekend.
Its not about all the wall posts you left or all the proclamations you made to the world.
Its not about how you hold my hand every time we're out or how you walk me to my doorstep.
Its not about the hearts or the many words we use while texting.

Its about how you spend two hours every morning just waking me up.
Its about those late night conversations we have, staring at the ceiling.
Its about how we struggle and yet, accept each other, just the way we are.
Its about the tears we silently shed at the thought of losing everything we have.
Its about the dreams we talk of, knowing that they'll probably never come true.
Its about how we say so much by just staying silent.

Its about growing up and realizing that fairytales don't end with a happily-ever-after but as long as they last, they're as beautiful as it can get.

All that mushy stuff.

I'm amused every time you get drunk and tell me how hot you think I am.

I'm taken aback when you notice how my earrings match my outfit.

I'm touched when you get down on one knee and ask me to be your girlfriend, simply because its something you've always wanted to do - drunk or not.

I'm shocked when you notice how my eyebrows have been done well.

I'm flattered every time you stroke my hair and tell me how its the best part my appearance.

I feel at peace when we sit in silence and just watch the lake.

I'm taken aback when you stay the night to take care of me.

I'm in disbelief every time you hold my hand, kiss it and then look at me like that.

We fight, throw our egos around, make a fuss, cry a little - but somehow, I never seem to remember any of it when I think of you.

You make me listen to silly love songs on the internet radio.

You also make me forgive you for the earrings I've lost with you.

You bring out the bollywood in me.

You believe in me and that makes me believe in myself.

This might be mushy, but I mean every word of it. Besides, I'm allowed a mushy post once in a while!

Perfect Imperfection

I love watching re-runs of F.R.I.E.N.D.S because I never get tired of dreaming about being one of them.

The only reason I loved Barbie as a kid was because I couldn't wait to chop their long beautiful hair off and feel like a hairdresser. Of course, when my hair cut wouldn't go as planned, I would cry because their hair never grew back.

I listened to the Backstreet Boys and Westlife everyday when I was in the 6th grade and I thought they were amazing. No regrets there.

I spent two summers working in a bookstore just so I could spend the entire day reading books.

Every time it rains, I get a cup of tea or cocoa and sit by the window because I think its a beautiful setting.

Most of the things I think about doing run like movie scenes in my head.

I never learn from heart breaks. I'm always hoping the next time is different - even though I don't like admitting it.

I sometimes make statements and act a certain way because I'm waiting for someone or something to come along and prove me wrong.

I love riding bikes because of the exhilarating feeling of the wind blowing through my hair. The disbelieving looks from people around is pretty amusing too.

I'm a workaholic. Being overworked is a craving.

I'm an emotional roller coaster because I go by what my heart has to say, irrespective of the number of times it has landed me in trouble.

I'm very dramatic. Dramatic to the extent that I'm always attracting drama in life.

There are times when I hit rock bottom but I always know I'll be fine.

I'm finally okay with being on my own.

I hate arguments. I just cannot hate someone or hold a grudge against them for too long.

I've never claimed to be perfect but I did strive for it. But I realize that I'm the one who gets to define what perfect is. And where I am now is good enough.

This is who I am. No regrets, no wishes to change, no alterations for someone else.

I'm proud to be me. Aren't you?

White Flag

You think I find this easy? To lose you day by day and watch you slip into an altered reality where I don't exist? You think I enjoy the cocky comments and jokes that you make? You think I don't care?

Can't you see what you're doing to yourself? You're everything you told me you wouldn't be. What happened to all that you said to me? All the promises you made? Everything you stood for and believed in?

I don't even know who you are anymore and its killing me everyday to see you like that. I don't even exist to you anymore. Watching you do this to yourself tears me up. And there's nothing I can do about it.

Absolutely nothing.

A drugged thought

Why do I do this to myself?

Why do I listen to songs that remind me of you when the only thing I should be doing is forgetting you?

When my heart is too numb to be capable of love or anything like it, why are you tempting and testing me?

It takes a toll when you know what you want could destroy you. Break you into pieces and leave you lying there, unable to ever fix yourself. But without it, you're always aching for something.

It takes everything I have to be able to see you and talk to you like I used to while I die a little on the inside.

Sometimes I think that I like the ache in my heart when it knows that its lost the battle with my mind. To be able to look back and say, "That's life - you can't have your cake and eat it."

You're no piece of cake. But thats why you mean so much, don't you?

You're my drug. The drug that I'm trying to quit. I will probably quit. But for now, I'm still high on you.

Moments like these

She felt his breath on her neck as she held him like it was the last time she'd get to be in his arms. He stroked her hair as he held her like she was the most precious thing he owned. They stayed that way for what seemed like an entire lifetime and yet, it hardly lasted a moment.

He heard the honking and pulled away. He looked into her teary eyes and held back his. She smiled and stood on her toes; he bent down as she reached to kiss him on his forehead. She smiled as he picked up his bags and straightened his cap. He gave her hand a tight squeeze before he turned around to jog to the truck.

As the truck pulled away, he saw her wiping away a tear - the same time she saw him rub his eyes hoping she didn't see his tears.

Heart's night out.

The happiest moments in life are those that just don't seem to logically make sense. Thats when you realize how your heart has a soul of its own and no matter how hard your brain tries, it'll never even get close to understanding the ways of the heart.

It is the heart that feels at peace when you lay in the arms of someone and it is the same heart that hurts when you have to leave them, even if its just for a while. Sure, the brain justifies it by trying to fit it into a fixed frame that the society has created for relationships, but in your heart, you know that none of them mean that.

When someone breaks your heart, you feel unbelievable pain that you think you can never get through. Your brain gets into hyper action mode and starts building all these walls around your heart and starts making false promises of never letting anyone beyond those walls.

But its all pointless.

Because when things are right, the heart always soars beyond the walls and does what it wants to without giving the consequences even the slightest thought. The brain just watches helplessly and starts predicting the hurt and the pain, and goes on and on about how this is the millionth time that the same mistake is being repeated.

But tonight, its time for me heart to just be. No judgement from the brain, no predictions, no dwelling on consequences. No ANYTHING.

Just my heart being happy.