Best friends?

She got up and rushed into her room, wanting to look her best when he came. She washed her face and brushed her hair. She reached for her Kajal and carefully smudged some of it under her eyes.

She changed out of her shorts into a pair of jeans.

Why am i trying so hard?! It's only him! I've known him forever! Hell, he's seen me when I've looked like a total wreck. Why am I trying so hard now?! Oh great, there we go again. I'm over analyzing! I always do this! See, this is why I always get all wired up! I think too much! Shit, what if my hair fall is because of all this thinking?!

Her thoughts were interrupted when the door bell rung. She rushed to the door and stopped for a second and smoothed her hair out. She took a deep breath and opened the door.

There he stood, with his messy hair and crazy grin.

"Hey!"; he pulled her into a hug.

Wow, his hugs are so awesome! He smells good! I wish we could remain like this forever! There are very few people in this world who hug so well! I...

"I've missed you", he whispered.

Somehow, he sounded different when he said it. She pulled away and looked at him.

She had looked into those hazel eyes so many times before but today, it felt like the first time. She couldn't help smiling when she saw him grinning. That look on her face made her realize that he was still the same guy she loved - her best friend. And yet, there was something different about him and she was almost scared to find out.

"So? What did you have to tell me that couldn't wait till the morning? Hmm?" she asked, trying to sound as calm about it as she could. But secretly, she was dying to know.

Is it another girl? Oh God, I thought the old one was pretty nice! Well, not great, but definitely better than the last one. Maybe it's that girl from his class. Ugh, I don't like her much!

"Well, she dumped me."

"What happened? Wait, what?! SHE dumped you?! Why??"

Her thoughts started racing, trying to figure out why she dumped him.

Does she love someone else? Oh my God, does he love someone else?! God, he's not a guy like that! He's pretty decent - he is my best friend! Well, actually, I'm not complaining - she wasn't right for him anyway!

She had a million reasons figured out in her head, but what he said was not one in that million. Not even close.

"Because I told her I was going to marry you someday."

And for once, there wasn't a single thought that ran across her mind.

Simply love!

She sat across him, nervously twirling the end of her scarf.

He saw the anxiety in her eyes as she looked into his.

She saw the trust in his.

Her eyes teared up as her face broke out into a smile.

He leaned forward and kissed her.

And thats all it took to let out all the emotions they had for each other.

Love, Life and Joy

I was reading through my Blog and I realized how depressing it was. I seem to write here only when I'm depressed and have no other way to express myself.

But the truth is, I'm not always like that. And today, I feel like letting you all know how I really am - little things about me that I've just started noticing.

I'm someone who is very pessimistic. Don't get me wrong, I don't walk around with a frown or become a wet blanket when people are having a good time; I just expect the worse to happen to me. Every little thing in my life that goes wrong becomes exaggerated - and that is enough to make me believe my life is ruined.

There have been a lot of people who've told me that I should stop looking at the dark side of life, but my immediate reaction to that has been "What do you know? You're not me!"

But now I'm starting to think - Sorrow might come by the battalions, but maybe joy comes in all the little things that are so easy to miss if you don't acknowledge it.

I don't want to let them go by unnoticed, anymore.

You won't believe the amount of tension that I experience over every small thing! People have used the "Why so serious?" line on me more than I can imagine! I've been told that enjoying the moment is important but I seem to have carelessly ignored that too. What do people really mean when they say "Enjoy life!"? I just assumed they meant be carefree, forget responsibility and let someone else worry.

But I figured thats not what it is. The other day, I went to watch a friend play a match - and it got rained out in the first thirty minutes. I was so upset and so hurt that I cried all the way home. I cried because I didn't get to see him, he didn't notice I was there, my perfect evening got ruined and because things didn't turn out to be the way I wanted them to. In all that drama, I ignored the rain - the one thing that I loved, no matter what. I blamed it and cursed it.

Maybe if I'd just laughed it off, or walked into the rain, letting it drench me thoroughly, the evening wouldn't have been so bad. And maybe that is what enjoying life means!

Boys - you can't live with them, but you definitely can't live without them. There have been so many who have broken my heart, and so many hearts that I might have hurt. After almost half a year, I thought I was starting to have feelings for somebody. I started trying to interpret everything he said and started over analyzing them in my head.

He is someone who isn't even one tenth as expressive as I am, and when he didn't talk to me for a few days or didn't say things that I expected him to say, I got so mad! I cried every night for a week, I cursed him, I walked around like I was in a trance and a little voice kept saying "I told you so! He'd never be interested in you! Give up now! Don't make a fool of yourself!"

So I tried ignoring him. I tried not to say anything. I tried to reason it out in my head.

I was bitter, angry and completely upset. When I sat down to sort my thoughts out, I ended up realizing that I wasn't really in "love". I was trying to create something when I should just be letting it take its own course. So even though there was nothing wrong between us, I kept creating it in my head and ruining what we had already.

It is his nature to be shy and inexpressive, but it is my nature to shower someone with all the love I have, remembering not to expect anything out of it.

And nothing makes me happier than being myself.

So here's to being ourselves and learning to appreciate the little things that are so easy to ignore.

Here's to Love, Life and Joy!

Bitter

Emotions of joy and sorrow is something we all feel often enough in our lives. But the feeling of being bitter is something I haven't felt as strongly as I do now. And for once, my tears aren't that of sorrow, they're tears of frustration and infuriation.

Frustration at my lack of will to work on my dreams.

Frustration at my foolishness of believing that falling in love wouldn't hurt.

Frustration at my mediocrity.

Frustration about being idle.

Frustration of feeling horribly lonely even in a room full of people.

Frustration at the tears that just won't stop.

Frustration about not getting work done.

But most of all, frustration because I'm not doing anything about any of it.

Dream catcher

My dear love,

You've been on my mind for a while now; you're slowly making way into my heart too. You've done so much to change me by just being in my thoughts. You keep playing hide and seek with me, and you manage to drive me insane! I'm so scared to say something, but I'm having a hard time not saying anything at all. You make me so frustrated, as I sit around, waiting for you to turn up and be mine. I go crazy as I contemplate your reaction, your words and your love. I've been living under a shadow of doubt and fear - fear of being rejected, the fear of bring hurt.

Sometimes, when I can't fall asleep, all I want to do is be in your arms and to hear you whisper our dreams into my ear. I'm really broken now, my love, and only you can fix it. I've been feeling utterly hopeless and let down. I've been waiting a long time - pick me up.....fix me.....make me yours.

I don't know who you are or where you are now, but I know that when you find me, nothing else will matter. In your arms lie the power to heal: my pain, my fears and my broken heart.

And we will weave our dreams together for the Dream-catcher to find.

Eagerly waiting to be yours,

A yearning soul

Trapped

What do you do when you feel worthless?

What do you do when the tears don't stop falling?

What do you do when you feel bound and helpless?

What do you do when nothing you say or do makes a difference?

what do you do when you have no one walking beside you?

What do you do when you have no one to call and cry to?

What do you do when you're surrounded by all the wrong people?

What do you do when you can't escape?

What do you do when you can't face it?

What do you do when you're trapped, in yourself?

Relationships

When I think of my life, I always think of it as relationships. A zillion people I know, but only a few that I share relationships with. And somehow, these relationships stand out and define my past. I'm not someone who can be with myself a lot, and to admit it was a very scary thing to do. All my life, I've always done things to make someone else happy, to impress someone, to be accepted by someone else, to help someone, to be there for someone....Doing all this, I left myself behind somewhere. Maybe it was because I thought that the people I cared for would take care of me or maybe I just never thought.

Having moved away for the past few years and then come back, I've been unearthing all my past relationships. Some of them give me so much joy, make me laugh till my sides hurt and envelope me in a warm feeling - one of belonging. There are others that leave me confused because we both seem to have moved onto different tracks. And then, there are those relationships that haven't changed at all, but somewhere, deep inside of me, there's a fresh surge of emotion.

And yet, amidst all this, there are times when I feel incredibly lonely, lost and angry. A lot of my past is still so alive in me, because there haven't been closures. There are so many relationships that I can't seem to let go of, even though the others have left a long time ago.

I keep thinking that one day, I'll get what I want and then, none of this will ever matter. But will it, really? Will that one relationship give me so much love, so much support, so much power that I can let go of all my past unfinished ones? Does love like that even exist? Or is it just something I'm saying to myself to feel better?

Brighter than before!

When there was a heavy gloom settling around me, I felt trapped and suffocated. The gloom invaded my heart and my mind, throwing me completely off the balance I'd created for myself. Lying in an unknown corner, I cried, yelled, got violent and gave up. I sat there, pitying my state, hating him. People around me had no idea what was happening, I had no idea who I was becoming.

And then it hit me. I'd given so much of myself to him, I'd made myself so vulnerable that when things turned sour, I gave him the power to destroy me. I thought he loved me too much to do that, but I was wrong. He shattered my heart, broke my spirit and ripped apart my self-esteem.

I had no idea who I was anymore.

I cried myself to sleep for countless nights, grew violent because of my helplessness and became a cynic - the one thing I hated in others. I Grew to hate myself, hate who I was and soon, people outside could see that.

Time is a healer, they all say, and they say right! those who truly loved me eased me out of my gloom and my helplessness and showed me who I was. They helped me rip him out of my life, helped me put my own shattered heart back together.

They believed in me, they loved me, they hugged me and they trusted me.

And just how the phoenix rises from its ashes, I'm rising now, stronger than ever.

I felt a while back that I had nothing left to give to anybody, but now I have all the love, care and support to give the world.

I'm back and this time, I'm older, stronger and wiser.

I might be hurt again, but this time, I will not let go of myself.

And this is a thank you note to those who showed me what unconditional love really means.

Flame of hope

A strange sense of relief.

Tears of loss.

The heart yearns for what is not,

And the brain yearns to justify what is.

Why does my heart want that

which my brain doesn't?

Why am I justifying,

convincing myself of something that has to be,

but isn't?

I anxiously wait for what is going to be,

I painfully miss what was.

The flame inside just went out,

"No hope!" the heart cries.

Darkness lies ahead,

And I venture against my will.

Will I find what the heart wants?

Or will the brain justify that

what I want is what I have?

Will I find you,

or do you not exist?

Will I ever smile,

the way I did last night,

in your arms?

Or is that a fragment of my Phantasm?

Will logic and the sensibilities of the world

keep us apart?

Or will the melodies of our souls

harmonize to become a tune?

Do you know me?

Will you remember me?

Will you hold my hand in the darkness?

Will you light my flame of hope?

Scenes

An Ordinary Girl, with not-so-ordinary hopes and dreams.

She was always lost in a different realm,

where her life was a movie,

and as every scene played in her head,

she saw herself serenading through the emotions.

She jived with joy, sang melancholy,

burned with anger and lived with passion.

She dreamed about being everything she wanted to be,

Doing everything she wanted to.

She dreamed of working so hard, that when she put her feet up at the end of the day,

She felt deserving of it.

She dreamed of a love,

powerful enough to change the world.

Passionate, intense, and yet silly and a complete cliche!

She saw herself being proud enough to tell everybody, "Yes! He's the one!"

She saw a moment of enlightenment, where she would know.

Just know.

And thats all there was to it.

She saw herself living in a place she could call her own,

A place that would envelop her with warmth,

make her cozy.

She dreamed of doing something that would quench her thirst for contentment.

Ah, contentment.

There were scenes of pure joy, ecstasy,

And of course, the tears, like in every movie.

She dreamed of a happily ever after.

But as this ordinary girl grew up,

she realized her life wasn't a movie.

It was reality.

And it hit her hard.

She hurt more than she wanted to,

she loved more than she wanted to.

she cried more than she wanted to.

There were moments of joy and ecstasy,

But they were never the ones to stick on.

Only the lonely heart.

She braced herself,

filled herself with all the optimistic thoughts she could conjure,

And yet, during those moments of hurt,

She cried.

Nobody knew.

She hid under the covers,

Not knowing what made her feel that way.

But she did.

She felt frustrated, wishing she could find a reason for her tears,

She didn't want to be irrational.

That was nowhere in the scene.

And then she realized it.

It was nowhere in the scene.

Her love felt so lifeless,

And she felt scared.

Her love was rational, and it worked in more than one way,

But it was not in any of the scenes.

She told herself, "life is not a movie!"

But when she put her feet up at the end of the day,

She yearned for passion.

Crazy love.

Tiring days.

Laughing till her sides hurt.

Watching the sun set.

Crying her heart out.

Holding someone close enough to feel their emotions.

But most of all,

She yearned for those scenes in her head,

To become the scenes of her reality.

Unopened letter

Dear Whoever-cares,

I hate this. I hate it when I wish for something and I get it, but I then realise that its not what I need. I hate it when I have to break his heart, I hate it when I have to be the bad one. I hate it when I feel hollow and lonely as I lay down to sleep. I hate it when I get up again, in the middle of the night, after trying so hard to fall asleep. I can't even escape to my dreams, to a state of blissful ignorance, Where will I go now?

He made me so happy, he gave me everything I wanted, he loved me. And yet, why is it that I remember only those words that tore me apart and hurt me? Why can't remember any of the good things? Why don't I feel love any more? Why do I feel like my soul has been sucked out of me and lost, when this is the time I should pull myself together because of all the things I'm expected to do?

Is this a self fulfilling prophecy? Do I really not love him? Will I never find anyone who will love me again? Is that even a reason for me to stay in this?

Why is it that when my heart is so heavy and my eyes are brimming with tears of confusion, I have nobody to tell me it'll be okay? Why do I feel this way? Will I never know what love is? Will I never find it? Is what I felt untrue?

I just want to go away, to some place where no one knows my face, or my name. I want to dissolve into oblivion, and erase the memory of my existence in their thoughts. Take me away.

Take me away tonight.

Battle

There's always a battle happening in me, between my head and my heart. My head is always using logic, proof, analysis and implications to fight off the emotions, tears, love and pain of the heart. They fight so hard, both equally strong, fighting to reign over me. And just like how in every battle, it is the land that suffers the most, it is I who suffers. And I hurt the ones around me beyond what I would've wanted to. My turmoil, my frustration, my expectations destroys those around me.

And the sad part is, all this battle is happening so that I don't hurt you..

The language of your eyes

When I looked in your eyes,

I remember seeing my reflection in it;

and your laughter, your joy.

I saw you in your eyes,

everything you are, and everything you wanted to be.

I saw your spirit to live,

to take life as it comes,

the strength to fight, to love

as madly as you could, in the wildest dreams.

In your eyes, I saw everything I wanted to be,

everything I would spend the rest of my life trying to be.

But not anymore.

No longer does the spirit live,

No longer does the strength to love exist.

In those eyes, I see the sickness of the heart,

I see the pain that you've hid all these years from me.

I see the tears,

I see the shattered hope.

I see the reflection of my helplessness,

I see my inability to reach out.

I see the lost smile in your eyes.

In your eyes, my dear mother,

I see a lost smile.

And all I want is to find that,

and bring it back,

for I know, that if not anything,

it is one thing that'll keep you, me, us,

going.

Funerals

I've seen people at funerals. Some silently cry, some look into the distance, some wail, some seek consolation; but amongst all these people, there is always that one person who looks into your eyes, only for you to realize that there no longer is a burning spark in their eyes. They died too, on the inside.

I never knew what it meant to feel dead from the inside. But somehow, as my fire extinguishes bit by bit, with me desperately trying to keep it burning, I feel myself slipping away. I feel incapable of getting myself to face another day, to face people, to hold all my relationships together. What gave me joy before is what I'm indifferent to now. I feel weak, tired and pleading for something to happen.

The skies are dark, and soon, the rain will put off the fire.

Will it be my funeral then, or my re-birth?