Scenes

An Ordinary Girl, with not-so-ordinary hopes and dreams.

She was always lost in a different realm,

where her life was a movie,

and as every scene played in her head,

she saw herself serenading through the emotions.

She jived with joy, sang melancholy,

burned with anger and lived with passion.

She dreamed about being everything she wanted to be,

Doing everything she wanted to.

She dreamed of working so hard, that when she put her feet up at the end of the day,

She felt deserving of it.

She dreamed of a love,

powerful enough to change the world.

Passionate, intense, and yet silly and a complete cliche!

She saw herself being proud enough to tell everybody, "Yes! He's the one!"

She saw a moment of enlightenment, where she would know.

Just know.

And thats all there was to it.

She saw herself living in a place she could call her own,

A place that would envelop her with warmth,

make her cozy.

She dreamed of doing something that would quench her thirst for contentment.

Ah, contentment.

There were scenes of pure joy, ecstasy,

And of course, the tears, like in every movie.

She dreamed of a happily ever after.

But as this ordinary girl grew up,

she realized her life wasn't a movie.

It was reality.

And it hit her hard.

She hurt more than she wanted to,

she loved more than she wanted to.

she cried more than she wanted to.

There were moments of joy and ecstasy,

But they were never the ones to stick on.

Only the lonely heart.

She braced herself,

filled herself with all the optimistic thoughts she could conjure,

And yet, during those moments of hurt,

She cried.

Nobody knew.

She hid under the covers,

Not knowing what made her feel that way.

But she did.

She felt frustrated, wishing she could find a reason for her tears,

She didn't want to be irrational.

That was nowhere in the scene.

And then she realized it.

It was nowhere in the scene.

Her love felt so lifeless,

And she felt scared.

Her love was rational, and it worked in more than one way,

But it was not in any of the scenes.

She told herself, "life is not a movie!"

But when she put her feet up at the end of the day,

She yearned for passion.

Crazy love.

Tiring days.

Laughing till her sides hurt.

Watching the sun set.

Crying her heart out.

Holding someone close enough to feel their emotions.

But most of all,

She yearned for those scenes in her head,

To become the scenes of her reality.

Unopened letter

Dear Whoever-cares,

I hate this. I hate it when I wish for something and I get it, but I then realise that its not what I need. I hate it when I have to break his heart, I hate it when I have to be the bad one. I hate it when I feel hollow and lonely as I lay down to sleep. I hate it when I get up again, in the middle of the night, after trying so hard to fall asleep. I can't even escape to my dreams, to a state of blissful ignorance, Where will I go now?

He made me so happy, he gave me everything I wanted, he loved me. And yet, why is it that I remember only those words that tore me apart and hurt me? Why can't remember any of the good things? Why don't I feel love any more? Why do I feel like my soul has been sucked out of me and lost, when this is the time I should pull myself together because of all the things I'm expected to do?

Is this a self fulfilling prophecy? Do I really not love him? Will I never find anyone who will love me again? Is that even a reason for me to stay in this?

Why is it that when my heart is so heavy and my eyes are brimming with tears of confusion, I have nobody to tell me it'll be okay? Why do I feel this way? Will I never know what love is? Will I never find it? Is what I felt untrue?

I just want to go away, to some place where no one knows my face, or my name. I want to dissolve into oblivion, and erase the memory of my existence in their thoughts. Take me away.

Take me away tonight.

Battle

There's always a battle happening in me, between my head and my heart. My head is always using logic, proof, analysis and implications to fight off the emotions, tears, love and pain of the heart. They fight so hard, both equally strong, fighting to reign over me. And just like how in every battle, it is the land that suffers the most, it is I who suffers. And I hurt the ones around me beyond what I would've wanted to. My turmoil, my frustration, my expectations destroys those around me.

And the sad part is, all this battle is happening so that I don't hurt you..

The language of your eyes

When I looked in your eyes,

I remember seeing my reflection in it;

and your laughter, your joy.

I saw you in your eyes,

everything you are, and everything you wanted to be.

I saw your spirit to live,

to take life as it comes,

the strength to fight, to love

as madly as you could, in the wildest dreams.

In your eyes, I saw everything I wanted to be,

everything I would spend the rest of my life trying to be.

But not anymore.

No longer does the spirit live,

No longer does the strength to love exist.

In those eyes, I see the sickness of the heart,

I see the pain that you've hid all these years from me.

I see the tears,

I see the shattered hope.

I see the reflection of my helplessness,

I see my inability to reach out.

I see the lost smile in your eyes.

In your eyes, my dear mother,

I see a lost smile.

And all I want is to find that,

and bring it back,

for I know, that if not anything,

it is one thing that'll keep you, me, us,

going.

Funerals

I've seen people at funerals. Some silently cry, some look into the distance, some wail, some seek consolation; but amongst all these people, there is always that one person who looks into your eyes, only for you to realize that there no longer is a burning spark in their eyes. They died too, on the inside.

I never knew what it meant to feel dead from the inside. But somehow, as my fire extinguishes bit by bit, with me desperately trying to keep it burning, I feel myself slipping away. I feel incapable of getting myself to face another day, to face people, to hold all my relationships together. What gave me joy before is what I'm indifferent to now. I feel weak, tired and pleading for something to happen.

The skies are dark, and soon, the rain will put off the fire.

Will it be my funeral then, or my re-birth?

frozen in the moment..

As she walks away,

She longs to turn and look.

Look at the love in his eyes,

The yearning and the hope.

She fights back the lump in her throat,

And the urge to look at him.

“Just one last time,” she says,

And stops.

She turns around nervously,

Weary of what she’d see,

Her eyes scan the crowd,

But there’s no sight of him.

“He left! He didn’t wait?”

She becomes desperate,

Standing on her toes

and looking all around.

The lump in her throat vanishes

And tears stream down her face.

She was so sure he’d be there,

Always waiting, hoping patiently.

“What was I thinking?” she says,

Trying to make herself feel better,

Trying to erase those expectations.

She turns around,

Wanting to leave before

Her memory can capture any more of this moment.

But as she turns around,

Her heart skips a beat

And her mind goes blank.

Her reaction is instant,

She drops everything and runs

She runs into his arms,

Letting go of all her emotions.

“I’d never leave, even if you did” he says,

And holds her close.

The rest of the world goes on,

Too busy to notice them.

But her world stops turning,

And freezes in the moment.

Let go

I can feel it in my blood, flowing through every single vein in my body, pulsating with violent frustration. My whole body feels like its on fire and the tears streaming down my face are like the eruptions of a volcano, hot and destructive. The big lump in throat is not stopping my tongue from lashing out words that can kill in an instant.

I have waited patiently, I have understood, I've kept silent, I've supported, I've been hurt, I've tolerated. But no more. I've curbed myself for far too long, always saying, "some other time, when they're feeling better." And when I do finally say something, I suddenly appear demanding and insensitive.

And now, I let go. Fire erupts and anyone who comes close are bound to get hurt. I shut everything around me, so that nobody gets close. I let go of my sensitivity, I let go of my care, I let go of my love, I let go of my hurt, I let go of my anger, I let go of my tears, I let go of me.

I'm walking away, leaving my world burning.

And I feel strangely calm, rising out of the emptiness in me.