frozen in the moment..

As she walks away,

She longs to turn and look.

Look at the love in his eyes,

The yearning and the hope.

She fights back the lump in her throat,

And the urge to look at him.

“Just one last time,” she says,

And stops.

She turns around nervously,

Weary of what she’d see,

Her eyes scan the crowd,

But there’s no sight of him.

“He left! He didn’t wait?”

She becomes desperate,

Standing on her toes

and looking all around.

The lump in her throat vanishes

And tears stream down her face.

She was so sure he’d be there,

Always waiting, hoping patiently.

“What was I thinking?” she says,

Trying to make herself feel better,

Trying to erase those expectations.

She turns around,

Wanting to leave before

Her memory can capture any more of this moment.

But as she turns around,

Her heart skips a beat

And her mind goes blank.

Her reaction is instant,

She drops everything and runs

She runs into his arms,

Letting go of all her emotions.

“I’d never leave, even if you did” he says,

And holds her close.

The rest of the world goes on,

Too busy to notice them.

But her world stops turning,

And freezes in the moment.

Let go

I can feel it in my blood, flowing through every single vein in my body, pulsating with violent frustration. My whole body feels like its on fire and the tears streaming down my face are like the eruptions of a volcano, hot and destructive. The big lump in throat is not stopping my tongue from lashing out words that can kill in an instant.

I have waited patiently, I have understood, I've kept silent, I've supported, I've been hurt, I've tolerated. But no more. I've curbed myself for far too long, always saying, "some other time, when they're feeling better." And when I do finally say something, I suddenly appear demanding and insensitive.

And now, I let go. Fire erupts and anyone who comes close are bound to get hurt. I shut everything around me, so that nobody gets close. I let go of my sensitivity, I let go of my care, I let go of my love, I let go of my hurt, I let go of my anger, I let go of my tears, I let go of me.

I'm walking away, leaving my world burning.

And I feel strangely calm, rising out of the emptiness in me.

Gunpowder explosions

It started off like a spark on a big sack of gunpowder. The minute I heard your voice at the other end, there was something that made me feel like it was the beginning of something.

I'm a strong believer in the fact that everything in this world happens for a reason. And you, my love, happened to me to let me know that I'm not alone.

I definitely saw sparks flying, and being overwhelmed, I let the sparks fall on the sacks of gunpowder.

Emotions were high, passion roared like a fire and everything else got lost behind the fire and the raging heat.

But the fire eventually died out, and when I looked around, I could hardly recognize where I was. Did I want this? Did I bring myself here? Why did it feel like I didn't want any of it anymore?

Looking at the mess around me, I suddenly wanted to run away. But there was something that held me back. While I stood there, being confused, trying to break out and run, I saw you cleaning up around me. And when I looked closely, I saw your watery eyes and broken heart. But you still stayed and cleaned. Everytime our eyes would meet, you'd always smile, hiding all that sorrow.

And then it hit me.

I just didn't want you, I needed you.

You chased away all the nightmares, you wiped away all my tears, you broke my invisible walls and you took my fragile heart in your hands to keep it safe. You found me.

And at that moment, all that I felt melted into oblivion. The mess suddenly didn't exist anymore.

There was just you and me.

And it didn't matter whether we were right for each other, or if what we had would last.

All that mattered was that we found each other.

And I'm not letting go, even if it means enduring a million explosions for you.

Broken thoughts

Its a weird feeling. One of numbness and emptiness.

I don't know what it is, or why its haunting me. I dig deeper, desperately trying to find the cause, but Its empty. Vacated.

I want to reach out to you, to let you know that I'm disturbed, but I open my mouth, only to realise that no one can hear me. My voice seems to have disappeared too.

I know I love you, but I don't feel it. I wish for wilder dreams, those that I know will probably bring me pain and disappointment in the end.

I'm confused and for the first time, have nothing to express. My thoughts are broken and I feel lost.

Maybe its change that I need. Or maybe its the past.

I'm lost and I suddenly don't remember why I started out on this path.

I don't want to turn back, but I don't have the energy to move on.

I'm stuck without a voice, without thoughts and without the strength to move on.

This is something I need to do on my own.

This is the path I chose.

This is the way I'll go.

A reality tale..

All this time, I kept dreaming of finding the right guy and living happily ever after! The typical fairytale ending, with "The end" written across the screen in beautiful cursive.
But not even for a moment did I think about what would happen after "The end".
Now that my "The end" got written across the screen, I'm just realizing that its actually just the beginning and definitely not the end.
The beginning of a roller coaster of emotions. Love, joy, excitement, adrenal rushes, overdrives, pain, separation, hurt, condolence, sacrifice and bliss. Suddenly, things are not as "happily ever after" as the fairy tales made it seem.
Now I know that I don't want a fairytale. I want to live. I want to feel every one of those emotions. I want to know what it means to love and live. I want to be with you.
And I'm willing to give this all it takes. I'm ready to go through the confusion, fear, the pain of separation and the judgments for you.
Because if this is what happens after "happily ever after", then I'm ready to take every bit of it.
And I know you are too.

So lets live our "here after", shall we?

end or beginning?

I think I just found my someone.

Someone

There are times when you wish you had someone to write love notes to;
Someone to call in the middle of the night because you couldn't fall asleep;
Someone's eyes to get lost in;
Someone to cuddle up with and watch the rain;
Someone to watch all your favourite cartoons with;
Someone to share a big hot cup of coffee with on a cold morning;
Someone to hug and stay close to;
Someone to make you feel special;
Someone to dress up for;
Someone's shoulder to lean on;
Someone to lean on your shoulder;
Someone to daydream about;
Someone to blush about;
Someone who makes your heart skip a beat;
Someone to tell you everything's going to be alright;
Someone to talk to with your eyes;
Someone to text the corniest messages to and still mean it;
Someone to eat what you make and say it tastes wonderful even if it doesn't;
Someone to think about just before you fall asleep;
Someone to send flowers to;
Someone to laugh with when you've made a complete fool of yourself;
Someone to hold hands with and walk down the beach;
Someone to love;

Someone to love you.

deja vu

I spent two whole months away from you, healing and coming to terms with reality. I was so sure that I'd grown stronger, grown more mature and had finally moved on.
But then I saw you smile and make me feel special. I saw you care and I saw being there for me. And all those barriers that I'd built of strength to protect myself just melted away into non-existence. And I found myself as unprotected and as vulnerable as ever.
"This time it is going to be so different!" I thought, feel empowered and ready to give you all the love I have. I loved, without conditions. I heard those three magical words from you and I was lost in Utopia for the rest of the night. We wanted the same things and in my head, i pictured all this leading to something beautiful.
But I just ended up as broken, as empty and as lonely as I'd felt the last time. And the tears came streaming down my face. I felt weak and my eyes ached after those endless hours of tears. Shattered and broken pieces of my heart was strewn in corners I could not even reach.
I dreaded facing the "I-told-you-so"s and the numerous sympathy hugs and speeches.
Why did this happen all over again? It was supposed to be different, it was supposed to work out!

I love you dammit, what more can I give?

Photographs

As I sit and go through various photographs, trying to pick out the ones I want to put up on my wall, I take a slow stroll down memory lane. Joy, pain, sorrow, excitement, love, shyness......there is so much captured in a photo. As I look at each one, a whole thread of memories follow. At one moment, I'm smiling and the next, I have a silent tear rolling down. I think of who I've been and who I am now. I'm amazed at the way I've evolved and grown. Painful memories suddenly don't hurt that much and what I thought was the worst moment in my life at one point, seems humorous to me now. As I smile and flip through the pages of the album, I feel like I've gotten into a time machine and I'm going through my life all over again. There are times in this journey which makes me feel like hitting myself across the head for being so stupid and at other times, I just silently watch myself feel the pain and I'm speechless. "Did I really have to go through all that for things that were just not worth it?" I wonder. But before I have time to answer that question, I'm distracted by watching myself laugh, enjoy and love unconditionally. I smile, but somehow, its nowhere even remotely close to the laughter that I see. What happened to it? What happened to that unconditional love? What happened to the wholehearted joy?
I suddenly feel empty. With my head churning and my heart ready to burst with emotion, I come to the end of my journey and land at the.......present. As I sit there, with a zillion thoughts running through my mind and infinite emotions ebbing and flowing in my heart, I realise something I knew all along. Everything that I went through, the joy, laughter, pain, sorrow, unconditional love and everything else is what has brought me to where I am today. And suddenly, I'm no longer worried about what happened to my laughter or why I put myself through so much of pain in the past. All I know is, where I am right now is where exactly I'm supposed to be. And so what if its not a very joyful time? I know I'll pull through to better days, because experiencing what I'm going through is what will lead me to what I'm looking for.

Oh, what I'm looking for? I have no idea, but I know that when I get it, I'll realise I wanted it all the while.

"Welcome to wherever you are,
This is your life; you made it this far.
Welcome, you gotta believe,
That right here, right now, you're exactly where you're supposed to be,
Welcome to wherever you are."

Who am I??

Sometimes in life, you’re caught between what you were and what you want to be. And that feels like an animagus having only managed to transform half way through.
You have people around you hammering you, trying to get you stable, but no one has any idea how you feel. Not even the slightest inkling. On the inside, you’re trapped. You’re screaming, and yelling to be let out but no one hears you. No matter how many people you are close to, suddenly you feel miles apart from them. You can’t even reach out, because the distance is becoming larger every second. You’re letting go of things you didn’t mean to and somehow, you find yourself watching it float away instead of holding onto it.
Sometimes, you have a painful past, and then you go through a phase where you emerge stronger and ready to change. But somehow, your past manages to catch up with you and taunts you. “I’m different now, things may work out!” is what it says, dangling above, where you just can’t reach it by a fraction of a millimeter. But you have others refusing to let you move back to that space where they saw you get hurt and live with the pain. “Love yourself” they say, and you’re trying to imagine how that feels like, but you just can’t. And that’s when you realize that you don’t love yourself. Oh no, you haven’t even given yourself any time at all to love yourself.

So, now what?!

Tracks

Just when you think that everything has finally settled down and you have all your plans chalked out, you get thrown off the track. And suddenly, you're lost. You're tired and frustrated and you find yourself going around in circles, not knowing where the track you laid out for yourself is. After searching for what seems like an eternity, you start wondering if you ever laid out a track at all. And there goes all your plans, confidence, clarity and sense of achievement. Just like that.
And you have no idea what hit you. But whatever it was, it hit you hard.
The first thing you do then is blame what hit you. "I had everything planned out!! I know what I was doing and where I was heading!!!!" You scream out in protest. "If only i hadn't been hit!! I would've been much better off!!" You continue.
Somewhere deep down you know it isn't anyone's fault and you are responsible for getting knocked out, but that's the last thing you want to accept. So you continue blaming everything around you and you continue walking around in cirlces, drowning in self pity.


I'm somewhere between blaming everything and walking around in circles. I can't see my track anywhere. And I'm still looking. I'm aware, but i still haven't gotten to accepting it.

A not-so-personal beginning

I don't write brilliantly nor am I someone who has a lot of opinions on the current events that I'd want to post on my blog. I don't have any technical information or creative pieces of writing that I can post on this blog. Then you might want to know why i even created one in the first place.
Well, my blog is exactly what its named. A not-so-personal diary. Its a place where i can capture my flow of thoughts and leave it to you to see.
Its always easier to tell a stranger all about yourself than tell someone who you know very well.
And with that, I publish my very first post on this blog.