A reality tale..

All this time, I kept dreaming of finding the right guy and living happily ever after! The typical fairytale ending, with "The end" written across the screen in beautiful cursive.
But not even for a moment did I think about what would happen after "The end".
Now that my "The end" got written across the screen, I'm just realizing that its actually just the beginning and definitely not the end.
The beginning of a roller coaster of emotions. Love, joy, excitement, adrenal rushes, overdrives, pain, separation, hurt, condolence, sacrifice and bliss. Suddenly, things are not as "happily ever after" as the fairy tales made it seem.
Now I know that I don't want a fairytale. I want to live. I want to feel every one of those emotions. I want to know what it means to love and live. I want to be with you.
And I'm willing to give this all it takes. I'm ready to go through the confusion, fear, the pain of separation and the judgments for you.
Because if this is what happens after "happily ever after", then I'm ready to take every bit of it.
And I know you are too.

So lets live our "here after", shall we?

end or beginning?

I think I just found my someone.

Someone

There are times when you wish you had someone to write love notes to;
Someone to call in the middle of the night because you couldn't fall asleep;
Someone's eyes to get lost in;
Someone to cuddle up with and watch the rain;
Someone to watch all your favourite cartoons with;
Someone to share a big hot cup of coffee with on a cold morning;
Someone to hug and stay close to;
Someone to make you feel special;
Someone to dress up for;
Someone's shoulder to lean on;
Someone to lean on your shoulder;
Someone to daydream about;
Someone to blush about;
Someone who makes your heart skip a beat;
Someone to tell you everything's going to be alright;
Someone to talk to with your eyes;
Someone to text the corniest messages to and still mean it;
Someone to eat what you make and say it tastes wonderful even if it doesn't;
Someone to think about just before you fall asleep;
Someone to send flowers to;
Someone to laugh with when you've made a complete fool of yourself;
Someone to hold hands with and walk down the beach;
Someone to love;

Someone to love you.

deja vu

I spent two whole months away from you, healing and coming to terms with reality. I was so sure that I'd grown stronger, grown more mature and had finally moved on.
But then I saw you smile and make me feel special. I saw you care and I saw being there for me. And all those barriers that I'd built of strength to protect myself just melted away into non-existence. And I found myself as unprotected and as vulnerable as ever.
"This time it is going to be so different!" I thought, feel empowered and ready to give you all the love I have. I loved, without conditions. I heard those three magical words from you and I was lost in Utopia for the rest of the night. We wanted the same things and in my head, i pictured all this leading to something beautiful.
But I just ended up as broken, as empty and as lonely as I'd felt the last time. And the tears came streaming down my face. I felt weak and my eyes ached after those endless hours of tears. Shattered and broken pieces of my heart was strewn in corners I could not even reach.
I dreaded facing the "I-told-you-so"s and the numerous sympathy hugs and speeches.
Why did this happen all over again? It was supposed to be different, it was supposed to work out!

I love you dammit, what more can I give?

Photographs

As I sit and go through various photographs, trying to pick out the ones I want to put up on my wall, I take a slow stroll down memory lane. Joy, pain, sorrow, excitement, love, shyness......there is so much captured in a photo. As I look at each one, a whole thread of memories follow. At one moment, I'm smiling and the next, I have a silent tear rolling down. I think of who I've been and who I am now. I'm amazed at the way I've evolved and grown. Painful memories suddenly don't hurt that much and what I thought was the worst moment in my life at one point, seems humorous to me now. As I smile and flip through the pages of the album, I feel like I've gotten into a time machine and I'm going through my life all over again. There are times in this journey which makes me feel like hitting myself across the head for being so stupid and at other times, I just silently watch myself feel the pain and I'm speechless. "Did I really have to go through all that for things that were just not worth it?" I wonder. But before I have time to answer that question, I'm distracted by watching myself laugh, enjoy and love unconditionally. I smile, but somehow, its nowhere even remotely close to the laughter that I see. What happened to it? What happened to that unconditional love? What happened to the wholehearted joy?
I suddenly feel empty. With my head churning and my heart ready to burst with emotion, I come to the end of my journey and land at the.......present. As I sit there, with a zillion thoughts running through my mind and infinite emotions ebbing and flowing in my heart, I realise something I knew all along. Everything that I went through, the joy, laughter, pain, sorrow, unconditional love and everything else is what has brought me to where I am today. And suddenly, I'm no longer worried about what happened to my laughter or why I put myself through so much of pain in the past. All I know is, where I am right now is where exactly I'm supposed to be. And so what if its not a very joyful time? I know I'll pull through to better days, because experiencing what I'm going through is what will lead me to what I'm looking for.

Oh, what I'm looking for? I have no idea, but I know that when I get it, I'll realise I wanted it all the while.

"Welcome to wherever you are,
This is your life; you made it this far.
Welcome, you gotta believe,
That right here, right now, you're exactly where you're supposed to be,
Welcome to wherever you are."

Who am I??

Sometimes in life, you’re caught between what you were and what you want to be. And that feels like an animagus having only managed to transform half way through.
You have people around you hammering you, trying to get you stable, but no one has any idea how you feel. Not even the slightest inkling. On the inside, you’re trapped. You’re screaming, and yelling to be let out but no one hears you. No matter how many people you are close to, suddenly you feel miles apart from them. You can’t even reach out, because the distance is becoming larger every second. You’re letting go of things you didn’t mean to and somehow, you find yourself watching it float away instead of holding onto it.
Sometimes, you have a painful past, and then you go through a phase where you emerge stronger and ready to change. But somehow, your past manages to catch up with you and taunts you. “I’m different now, things may work out!” is what it says, dangling above, where you just can’t reach it by a fraction of a millimeter. But you have others refusing to let you move back to that space where they saw you get hurt and live with the pain. “Love yourself” they say, and you’re trying to imagine how that feels like, but you just can’t. And that’s when you realize that you don’t love yourself. Oh no, you haven’t even given yourself any time at all to love yourself.

So, now what?!

Tracks

Just when you think that everything has finally settled down and you have all your plans chalked out, you get thrown off the track. And suddenly, you're lost. You're tired and frustrated and you find yourself going around in circles, not knowing where the track you laid out for yourself is. After searching for what seems like an eternity, you start wondering if you ever laid out a track at all. And there goes all your plans, confidence, clarity and sense of achievement. Just like that.
And you have no idea what hit you. But whatever it was, it hit you hard.
The first thing you do then is blame what hit you. "I had everything planned out!! I know what I was doing and where I was heading!!!!" You scream out in protest. "If only i hadn't been hit!! I would've been much better off!!" You continue.
Somewhere deep down you know it isn't anyone's fault and you are responsible for getting knocked out, but that's the last thing you want to accept. So you continue blaming everything around you and you continue walking around in cirlces, drowning in self pity.


I'm somewhere between blaming everything and walking around in circles. I can't see my track anywhere. And I'm still looking. I'm aware, but i still haven't gotten to accepting it.