Comfortably Numb

I sit around wanting to feel better. 

What are those words? Empowered? Determined? Motivated?

Yeah yeah, all those.

But I feel run down. When I think of the person I was a year back, I don't even recognize her. I try to conjure those feelings and try to be that girl. Who am I kidding? 

When you came into my life, you didn't just change it, you changed me. When you left, you didn't leave me broken, you left behind a part of you in me.

And now, every day, every single moment, I'm reminded of you. 

No amounts of getaways, cleansing processes or detox sessions will get rid of that. 

Sometimes, in frustration, I wish I'd never spoken to you. I wish we'd never bonded over our losses or our differences.

Then again, there are times when thinking of you makes me smile.

I've tried to stay angry, I've tried to cry about you, I've tried to convince myself that I'm better off.

Clearly, if I'm writing this, those emotions no longer exist.

I know I'll be okay, this isn't the first time someone's let me down. But this is the first time I've let someone down. And not only have I let you down, I've let myself down. 

Forgiving someone else has been very easy, but forgiving myself is giving me hell. Holding myself back from the dark side is torturous. It takes me so much effort to go through every day and stay alive.

Sleep is now a luxury.

My life is standing still and I'm tired of the feeling of procrastination it brings with it.

I fear I'll stay here till its too late to pick myself up. 

Comfortably numb, isn't that what they call it?

Chances

The last four months of my life have been the hardest. I've pushed myself to extents that I never dreamt of and did things that left people in my life wondering what the hell was going on.
I hurt myself and went around in circles and dug holes that I wanted to fall into. I wanted you gone so I could go back to being that person that I knew so well.

God damn, I just wanted to miserable because I didn't know what to do when life gave me so much to be happy about.

About a year and a half ago, I blogged about love and what it meant. And today, I think I finally understand.

Love is when your brother leaves chocolates on your bed because he finished the last box in the fridge last night.

Love is when your best friend yells at you from the other side of the world for being stupid.

Love is when he sees you in your most vulnerable state and still holds you like you mean the world to him.

Love is when your mother calls you every two hours for a week because you called her and cried on the phone.

Love is when he looks at you when you have a swollen nose and bed hair and tells you how beautiful you are.

Love is not always pretty, but it is beautiful. The fights happen because you don't want to let it go. There are moments when you just melt into a little puddle of goop because you're so touched by what the other person would do for you. It takes a lot from someone to love. But when they do, there's nothing that'll make them let go.

Its not a mystery. Its just something best appreciated without the questions and the analyzing.

Give it a chance. 

There comes a moment in everybody's life where the way they look at the world completely changes. That one event which sets them free of all the beliefs they've grown up with. One that defies sincerity, integrity, justice and fairness in this world.

The rage and anger that follows the event leaves me almost blind and senseless. I no longer believe in this world being fair and justice having its way. I know now, thats not how it works. Sincerity is just another commonly misspelt word and integrity is fading from the dictionary. To hold onto to these beliefs when they mean nothing is excruciatingly painful.

Chasing one's dreams always seemed like such a beautiful thing to do. It isn't. It's ugly, disappointing, morally cruel, unfair and most importantly, heart-breaking. For someone who thought life had been fair to her, I realize that I've had it very easy so far.

This is where the fight begins. The re-inventing of my morals. The decision about what I want to believe in and what I don't. This is where I have to realize that the only one who is going to believe in me is myself.

I will fight. I will fight till I die. Let me see if one of you F****** can stop me.  

Inconspicuous moments

She stood by the window and looked outside the window as the city went to sleep. The thought of him felt bitter but there was a sweet after taste. She sighed, too tired to conjure up an emotion. Accepting the fact that permanence is non existent was the hardest thing she had to do. But when she finally did, there was an overwhelming peace that came with it.
The lights in the city went off, one at a time, at its own pace. She turned around and looked at her king size bed. That big a bed could make a person feel lonely, specially since she knew what it felt like to have someone hold her every night.
She brushed her hair aside, reached over to shut her windows and got into bed. As she drifted off to sleep, a tiny tear fell onto her pillow.

A very small, inconspicuous tear. 

Fairytales

Its not about where you took me for dinner or what you bought me over the weekend.
Its not about all the wall posts you left or all the proclamations you made to the world.
Its not about how you hold my hand every time we're out or how you walk me to my doorstep.
Its not about the hearts or the many words we use while texting.

Its about how you spend two hours every morning just waking me up.
Its about those late night conversations we have, staring at the ceiling.
Its about how we struggle and yet, accept each other, just the way we are.
Its about the tears we silently shed at the thought of losing everything we have.
Its about the dreams we talk of, knowing that they'll probably never come true.
Its about how we say so much by just staying silent.

Its about growing up and realizing that fairytales don't end with a happily-ever-after but as long as they last, they're as beautiful as it can get.

All that mushy stuff.

I'm amused every time you get drunk and tell me how hot you think I am.

I'm taken aback when you notice how my earrings match my outfit.

I'm touched when you get down on one knee and ask me to be your girlfriend, simply because its something you've always wanted to do - drunk or not.

I'm shocked when you notice how my eyebrows have been done well.

I'm flattered every time you stroke my hair and tell me how its the best part my appearance.

I feel at peace when we sit in silence and just watch the lake.

I'm taken aback when you stay the night to take care of me.

I'm in disbelief every time you hold my hand, kiss it and then look at me like that.

We fight, throw our egos around, make a fuss, cry a little - but somehow, I never seem to remember any of it when I think of you.

You make me listen to silly love songs on the internet radio.

You also make me forgive you for the earrings I've lost with you.

You bring out the bollywood in me.

You believe in me and that makes me believe in myself.

This might be mushy, but I mean every word of it. Besides, I'm allowed a mushy post once in a while!

Perfect Imperfection

I love watching re-runs of F.R.I.E.N.D.S because I never get tired of dreaming about being one of them.

The only reason I loved Barbie as a kid was because I couldn't wait to chop their long beautiful hair off and feel like a hairdresser. Of course, when my hair cut wouldn't go as planned, I would cry because their hair never grew back.

I listened to the Backstreet Boys and Westlife everyday when I was in the 6th grade and I thought they were amazing. No regrets there.

I spent two summers working in a bookstore just so I could spend the entire day reading books.

Every time it rains, I get a cup of tea or cocoa and sit by the window because I think its a beautiful setting.

Most of the things I think about doing run like movie scenes in my head.

I never learn from heart breaks. I'm always hoping the next time is different - even though I don't like admitting it.

I sometimes make statements and act a certain way because I'm waiting for someone or something to come along and prove me wrong.

I love riding bikes because of the exhilarating feeling of the wind blowing through my hair. The disbelieving looks from people around is pretty amusing too.

I'm a workaholic. Being overworked is a craving.

I'm an emotional roller coaster because I go by what my heart has to say, irrespective of the number of times it has landed me in trouble.

I'm very dramatic. Dramatic to the extent that I'm always attracting drama in life.

There are times when I hit rock bottom but I always know I'll be fine.

I'm finally okay with being on my own.

I hate arguments. I just cannot hate someone or hold a grudge against them for too long.

I've never claimed to be perfect but I did strive for it. But I realize that I'm the one who gets to define what perfect is. And where I am now is good enough.

This is who I am. No regrets, no wishes to change, no alterations for someone else.

I'm proud to be me. Aren't you?

White Flag

You think I find this easy? To lose you day by day and watch you slip into an altered reality where I don't exist? You think I enjoy the cocky comments and jokes that you make? You think I don't care?

Can't you see what you're doing to yourself? You're everything you told me you wouldn't be. What happened to all that you said to me? All the promises you made? Everything you stood for and believed in?

I don't even know who you are anymore and its killing me everyday to see you like that. I don't even exist to you anymore. Watching you do this to yourself tears me up. And there's nothing I can do about it.

Absolutely nothing.

A drugged thought

Why do I do this to myself?

Why do I listen to songs that remind me of you when the only thing I should be doing is forgetting you?

When my heart is too numb to be capable of love or anything like it, why are you tempting and testing me?

It takes a toll when you know what you want could destroy you. Break you into pieces and leave you lying there, unable to ever fix yourself. But without it, you're always aching for something.

It takes everything I have to be able to see you and talk to you like I used to while I die a little on the inside.

Sometimes I think that I like the ache in my heart when it knows that its lost the battle with my mind. To be able to look back and say, "That's life - you can't have your cake and eat it."

You're no piece of cake. But thats why you mean so much, don't you?

You're my drug. The drug that I'm trying to quit. I will probably quit. But for now, I'm still high on you.

Moments like these

She felt his breath on her neck as she held him like it was the last time she'd get to be in his arms. He stroked her hair as he held her like she was the most precious thing he owned. They stayed that way for what seemed like an entire lifetime and yet, it hardly lasted a moment.

He heard the honking and pulled away. He looked into her teary eyes and held back his. She smiled and stood on her toes; he bent down as she reached to kiss him on his forehead. She smiled as he picked up his bags and straightened his cap. He gave her hand a tight squeeze before he turned around to jog to the truck.

As the truck pulled away, he saw her wiping away a tear - the same time she saw him rub his eyes hoping she didn't see his tears.