Comfortably Numb

I sit around wanting to feel better. 

What are those words? Empowered? Determined? Motivated?

Yeah yeah, all those.

But I feel run down. When I think of the person I was a year back, I don't even recognize her. I try to conjure those feelings and try to be that girl. Who am I kidding? 

When you came into my life, you didn't just change it, you changed me. When you left, you didn't leave me broken, you left behind a part of you in me.

And now, every day, every single moment, I'm reminded of you. 

No amounts of getaways, cleansing processes or detox sessions will get rid of that. 

Sometimes, in frustration, I wish I'd never spoken to you. I wish we'd never bonded over our losses or our differences.

Then again, there are times when thinking of you makes me smile.

I've tried to stay angry, I've tried to cry about you, I've tried to convince myself that I'm better off.

Clearly, if I'm writing this, those emotions no longer exist.

I know I'll be okay, this isn't the first time someone's let me down. But this is the first time I've let someone down. And not only have I let you down, I've let myself down. 

Forgiving someone else has been very easy, but forgiving myself is giving me hell. Holding myself back from the dark side is torturous. It takes me so much effort to go through every day and stay alive.

Sleep is now a luxury.

My life is standing still and I'm tired of the feeling of procrastination it brings with it.

I fear I'll stay here till its too late to pick myself up. 

Comfortably numb, isn't that what they call it?