Love, Life and Joy

I was reading through my Blog and I realized how depressing it was. I seem to write here only when I'm depressed and have no other way to express myself.

But the truth is, I'm not always like that. And today, I feel like letting you all know how I really am - little things about me that I've just started noticing.

I'm someone who is very pessimistic. Don't get me wrong, I don't walk around with a frown or become a wet blanket when people are having a good time; I just expect the worse to happen to me. Every little thing in my life that goes wrong becomes exaggerated - and that is enough to make me believe my life is ruined.

There have been a lot of people who've told me that I should stop looking at the dark side of life, but my immediate reaction to that has been "What do you know? You're not me!"

But now I'm starting to think - Sorrow might come by the battalions, but maybe joy comes in all the little things that are so easy to miss if you don't acknowledge it.

I don't want to let them go by unnoticed, anymore.

You won't believe the amount of tension that I experience over every small thing! People have used the "Why so serious?" line on me more than I can imagine! I've been told that enjoying the moment is important but I seem to have carelessly ignored that too. What do people really mean when they say "Enjoy life!"? I just assumed they meant be carefree, forget responsibility and let someone else worry.

But I figured thats not what it is. The other day, I went to watch a friend play a match - and it got rained out in the first thirty minutes. I was so upset and so hurt that I cried all the way home. I cried because I didn't get to see him, he didn't notice I was there, my perfect evening got ruined and because things didn't turn out to be the way I wanted them to. In all that drama, I ignored the rain - the one thing that I loved, no matter what. I blamed it and cursed it.

Maybe if I'd just laughed it off, or walked into the rain, letting it drench me thoroughly, the evening wouldn't have been so bad. And maybe that is what enjoying life means!

Boys - you can't live with them, but you definitely can't live without them. There have been so many who have broken my heart, and so many hearts that I might have hurt. After almost half a year, I thought I was starting to have feelings for somebody. I started trying to interpret everything he said and started over analyzing them in my head.

He is someone who isn't even one tenth as expressive as I am, and when he didn't talk to me for a few days or didn't say things that I expected him to say, I got so mad! I cried every night for a week, I cursed him, I walked around like I was in a trance and a little voice kept saying "I told you so! He'd never be interested in you! Give up now! Don't make a fool of yourself!"

So I tried ignoring him. I tried not to say anything. I tried to reason it out in my head.

I was bitter, angry and completely upset. When I sat down to sort my thoughts out, I ended up realizing that I wasn't really in "love". I was trying to create something when I should just be letting it take its own course. So even though there was nothing wrong between us, I kept creating it in my head and ruining what we had already.

It is his nature to be shy and inexpressive, but it is my nature to shower someone with all the love I have, remembering not to expect anything out of it.

And nothing makes me happier than being myself.

So here's to being ourselves and learning to appreciate the little things that are so easy to ignore.

Here's to Love, Life and Joy!

Bitter

Emotions of joy and sorrow is something we all feel often enough in our lives. But the feeling of being bitter is something I haven't felt as strongly as I do now. And for once, my tears aren't that of sorrow, they're tears of frustration and infuriation.

Frustration at my lack of will to work on my dreams.

Frustration at my foolishness of believing that falling in love wouldn't hurt.

Frustration at my mediocrity.

Frustration about being idle.

Frustration of feeling horribly lonely even in a room full of people.

Frustration at the tears that just won't stop.

Frustration about not getting work done.

But most of all, frustration because I'm not doing anything about any of it.

Dream catcher

My dear love,

You've been on my mind for a while now; you're slowly making way into my heart too. You've done so much to change me by just being in my thoughts. You keep playing hide and seek with me, and you manage to drive me insane! I'm so scared to say something, but I'm having a hard time not saying anything at all. You make me so frustrated, as I sit around, waiting for you to turn up and be mine. I go crazy as I contemplate your reaction, your words and your love. I've been living under a shadow of doubt and fear - fear of being rejected, the fear of bring hurt.

Sometimes, when I can't fall asleep, all I want to do is be in your arms and to hear you whisper our dreams into my ear. I'm really broken now, my love, and only you can fix it. I've been feeling utterly hopeless and let down. I've been waiting a long time - pick me up.....fix me.....make me yours.

I don't know who you are or where you are now, but I know that when you find me, nothing else will matter. In your arms lie the power to heal: my pain, my fears and my broken heart.

And we will weave our dreams together for the Dream-catcher to find.

Eagerly waiting to be yours,

A yearning soul