Who am I??

Sometimes in life, you’re caught between what you were and what you want to be. And that feels like an animagus having only managed to transform half way through.
You have people around you hammering you, trying to get you stable, but no one has any idea how you feel. Not even the slightest inkling. On the inside, you’re trapped. You’re screaming, and yelling to be let out but no one hears you. No matter how many people you are close to, suddenly you feel miles apart from them. You can’t even reach out, because the distance is becoming larger every second. You’re letting go of things you didn’t mean to and somehow, you find yourself watching it float away instead of holding onto it.
Sometimes, you have a painful past, and then you go through a phase where you emerge stronger and ready to change. But somehow, your past manages to catch up with you and taunts you. “I’m different now, things may work out!” is what it says, dangling above, where you just can’t reach it by a fraction of a millimeter. But you have others refusing to let you move back to that space where they saw you get hurt and live with the pain. “Love yourself” they say, and you’re trying to imagine how that feels like, but you just can’t. And that’s when you realize that you don’t love yourself. Oh no, you haven’t even given yourself any time at all to love yourself.

So, now what?!

Tracks

Just when you think that everything has finally settled down and you have all your plans chalked out, you get thrown off the track. And suddenly, you're lost. You're tired and frustrated and you find yourself going around in circles, not knowing where the track you laid out for yourself is. After searching for what seems like an eternity, you start wondering if you ever laid out a track at all. And there goes all your plans, confidence, clarity and sense of achievement. Just like that.
And you have no idea what hit you. But whatever it was, it hit you hard.
The first thing you do then is blame what hit you. "I had everything planned out!! I know what I was doing and where I was heading!!!!" You scream out in protest. "If only i hadn't been hit!! I would've been much better off!!" You continue.
Somewhere deep down you know it isn't anyone's fault and you are responsible for getting knocked out, but that's the last thing you want to accept. So you continue blaming everything around you and you continue walking around in cirlces, drowning in self pity.


I'm somewhere between blaming everything and walking around in circles. I can't see my track anywhere. And I'm still looking. I'm aware, but i still haven't gotten to accepting it.