Behind the mask

Masks.

Big colorful ones. Tiny demure ones. Sexy intriguing ones. Dark enveloping ones.

What happens when they come off? Who is that person behind it?

All my life, I've walked around thinking that masks are for cowards. For those who don't have the courage to let the people around see them for who they are. I kept letting people se through me. I made excuses for them when they hurt me. "Atleast I let them see the real me", I'd think.

The scars and the blows got bigger, my excuses got weaker. I tried, I swear I did - I hoped against hope that it'll all be okay. But it just got worse.

Till one day, a single blow brought me hurtling down. The excuses vanished and I just lay there, gasping for breath. Everything fell to pieces. It hurt so much that I stopped feeling it.

Nothing.

Zilch.

I stopped feeling the hurt. I just felt faintly bitter but I knew that if I had to survive, it would only be with a mask.

So here's my mask - one thats made of spunk, joy, being carefree - one that hides my vulnerability, stops me from telling someone what I feel, one that makes me feel powerful and strong when I'm behind it.

But tonight, its just me. No mask. No walls. Nothing to protect me.

Just me.

Lullaby

I can feel my layers get ripped out. The pain of the present make the past dull. I miss who I was but I'm forced to change, to "grow up", they say. No place for emotions or feelings; just the cold wind whistling in through the window.

I want it to be refreshing but it just leaves me with goosebumps. I tell myself that change is good, change is the only constant - my bitterness will do good for me and one day, there will be someone who will make it all go away. But that someone might never turn up. After all, it is time to grow up isn't it?

Believing in something and hoping for it was what I grew up doing. I got hurt over and over but I never gave up. Today, after all those sleepless tearful nights, all those consoling talks with best friends, all that time I spent nursing my broken heart thinking there will be someone who'll make it all better - I give up.

Because at the end of the day, you're all you've got. You are the only one who can fix that heart. You are the only one who can wipe the tears away. When it gets cold at night, you're the only one who can get warm. There is no "someone".

Its just you and the world.

And its finally time to accept it.

So lay your head on the pillow and sing yourself a lullaby.