Battle

There's always a battle happening in me, between my head and my heart. My head is always using logic, proof, analysis and implications to fight off the emotions, tears, love and pain of the heart. They fight so hard, both equally strong, fighting to reign over me. And just like how in every battle, it is the land that suffers the most, it is I who suffers. And I hurt the ones around me beyond what I would've wanted to. My turmoil, my frustration, my expectations destroys those around me.

And the sad part is, all this battle is happening so that I don't hurt you..

The language of your eyes

When I looked in your eyes,

I remember seeing my reflection in it;

and your laughter, your joy.

I saw you in your eyes,

everything you are, and everything you wanted to be.

I saw your spirit to live,

to take life as it comes,

the strength to fight, to love

as madly as you could, in the wildest dreams.

In your eyes, I saw everything I wanted to be,

everything I would spend the rest of my life trying to be.

But not anymore.

No longer does the spirit live,

No longer does the strength to love exist.

In those eyes, I see the sickness of the heart,

I see the pain that you've hid all these years from me.

I see the tears,

I see the shattered hope.

I see the reflection of my helplessness,

I see my inability to reach out.

I see the lost smile in your eyes.

In your eyes, my dear mother,

I see a lost smile.

And all I want is to find that,

and bring it back,

for I know, that if not anything,

it is one thing that'll keep you, me, us,

going.

Funerals

I've seen people at funerals. Some silently cry, some look into the distance, some wail, some seek consolation; but amongst all these people, there is always that one person who looks into your eyes, only for you to realize that there no longer is a burning spark in their eyes. They died too, on the inside.

I never knew what it meant to feel dead from the inside. But somehow, as my fire extinguishes bit by bit, with me desperately trying to keep it burning, I feel myself slipping away. I feel incapable of getting myself to face another day, to face people, to hold all my relationships together. What gave me joy before is what I'm indifferent to now. I feel weak, tired and pleading for something to happen.

The skies are dark, and soon, the rain will put off the fire.

Will it be my funeral then, or my re-birth?