Someone

There are times when you wish you had someone to write love notes to;
Someone to call in the middle of the night because you couldn't fall asleep;
Someone's eyes to get lost in;
Someone to cuddle up with and watch the rain;
Someone to watch all your favourite cartoons with;
Someone to share a big hot cup of coffee with on a cold morning;
Someone to hug and stay close to;
Someone to make you feel special;
Someone to dress up for;
Someone's shoulder to lean on;
Someone to lean on your shoulder;
Someone to daydream about;
Someone to blush about;
Someone who makes your heart skip a beat;
Someone to tell you everything's going to be alright;
Someone to talk to with your eyes;
Someone to text the corniest messages to and still mean it;
Someone to eat what you make and say it tastes wonderful even if it doesn't;
Someone to think about just before you fall asleep;
Someone to send flowers to;
Someone to laugh with when you've made a complete fool of yourself;
Someone to hold hands with and walk down the beach;
Someone to love;

Someone to love you.

deja vu

I spent two whole months away from you, healing and coming to terms with reality. I was so sure that I'd grown stronger, grown more mature and had finally moved on.
But then I saw you smile and make me feel special. I saw you care and I saw being there for me. And all those barriers that I'd built of strength to protect myself just melted away into non-existence. And I found myself as unprotected and as vulnerable as ever.
"This time it is going to be so different!" I thought, feel empowered and ready to give you all the love I have. I loved, without conditions. I heard those three magical words from you and I was lost in Utopia for the rest of the night. We wanted the same things and in my head, i pictured all this leading to something beautiful.
But I just ended up as broken, as empty and as lonely as I'd felt the last time. And the tears came streaming down my face. I felt weak and my eyes ached after those endless hours of tears. Shattered and broken pieces of my heart was strewn in corners I could not even reach.
I dreaded facing the "I-told-you-so"s and the numerous sympathy hugs and speeches.
Why did this happen all over again? It was supposed to be different, it was supposed to work out!

I love you dammit, what more can I give?

Photographs

As I sit and go through various photographs, trying to pick out the ones I want to put up on my wall, I take a slow stroll down memory lane. Joy, pain, sorrow, excitement, love, shyness......there is so much captured in a photo. As I look at each one, a whole thread of memories follow. At one moment, I'm smiling and the next, I have a silent tear rolling down. I think of who I've been and who I am now. I'm amazed at the way I've evolved and grown. Painful memories suddenly don't hurt that much and what I thought was the worst moment in my life at one point, seems humorous to me now. As I smile and flip through the pages of the album, I feel like I've gotten into a time machine and I'm going through my life all over again. There are times in this journey which makes me feel like hitting myself across the head for being so stupid and at other times, I just silently watch myself feel the pain and I'm speechless. "Did I really have to go through all that for things that were just not worth it?" I wonder. But before I have time to answer that question, I'm distracted by watching myself laugh, enjoy and love unconditionally. I smile, but somehow, its nowhere even remotely close to the laughter that I see. What happened to it? What happened to that unconditional love? What happened to the wholehearted joy?
I suddenly feel empty. With my head churning and my heart ready to burst with emotion, I come to the end of my journey and land at the.......present. As I sit there, with a zillion thoughts running through my mind and infinite emotions ebbing and flowing in my heart, I realise something I knew all along. Everything that I went through, the joy, laughter, pain, sorrow, unconditional love and everything else is what has brought me to where I am today. And suddenly, I'm no longer worried about what happened to my laughter or why I put myself through so much of pain in the past. All I know is, where I am right now is where exactly I'm supposed to be. And so what if its not a very joyful time? I know I'll pull through to better days, because experiencing what I'm going through is what will lead me to what I'm looking for.

Oh, what I'm looking for? I have no idea, but I know that when I get it, I'll realise I wanted it all the while.

"Welcome to wherever you are,
This is your life; you made it this far.
Welcome, you gotta believe,
That right here, right now, you're exactly where you're supposed to be,
Welcome to wherever you are."