I'm long gone

I didn't ask for this. I didn't ask to be pulled out of my comfort zone and thrown to the far end. I was just fine without you in my life. I was fine doing what I thought was right.

And then everything I've known all my life turns out to be a lie. I feel like I'm floating in the deep ocean with absolutely nothing to hang onto. I have no idea which way I should go because I can't see land anywhere.

I didn't want to have emotions raging a war in me this soon. I didn't want you. I didn't want you to hold me that night. I didn't want you to let my hair down.

I don't even know you and you've already managed to start a war of emotions that I'm losing. I didn't want to cry, I didn't want to feel the familiar pains of love. No, I didn't want any of that.

I thought when I did finally let my heart go, I would be strong enough. I didn't want it snatched away and then thrown back to me.

Now I feel stupid. I feel weak. I feel sick in the stomach. I feel everything that I promised myself I would never feel because I thought I was better than that.

But you proved to me that I'm not.

One of those days

Its one of those days.

One of those days when you realize that every night, you come back to an empty house.

One of days when you're walking back home and all the songs on shuffle seem to be about loneliness and heartbreak.

One of those days when you wish you had someone's arms to cuddle in after a long day at work.

One of those days when it seems like that heartbreak happened just yesterday.

One of those days when you see a cute couple and you can't help but wonder what it would be like to have that with someone.

One of those days where nothing you do seems to make too much sense.

One of those days when you just want to lie in bed and have a dream-less sleep.

One of those days where you're smiling at everyone and making conversation but it all feels out of place.

Its one of days that will pass.

Tomorrow I'll wake up and today will be a thing of the past, maybe even forgotten.

But for now, its still just one of those days.

If you could see me right now

This is for my grandfather who passed away a few weeks back. If you're around, I hope you're reading every word.

I don't remember you. All my memories of you are just flashes of your face and phrases of the many things you've said to me. I'm trying so hard to remember every single moment we spent together but I can't. I just can't. My mind goes blank when I think about you.

When you went away, I told myself how it was bound to happen. I told myself that it was best for you and that you were put out of your suffering. I told myself that it was a good thing I wasn't around because I couldn't have handled the way you suffered before you left.

Everyone around me told me to be strong and told me that you're in a better place. They spent hours talking about how beautiful your life was and what an amazing person you were. They told me stories of you as a child and told me every happy moment in your life that they remembered.

I spent hours looking at photographs of you - I kept trying to recollect every memory of yours that I had stored away - but I couldn't. After a while, those pictures said nothing to me.

I hardly cried when you left. Things surprisingly went back to normal very quickly. My world didn't stop turning and nothing felt different. I didn't feel incomplete - It felt like you'd left a long time ago .

I felt so normal that I started feeling guilty that I wasn't crying. I had no clue why I couldn't cry. I felt guilty at the way I went on with my life like nothing happened.

But tonight, as I'm writing this, I want you to know that I would give anything in the world to hear you call me name. I would sacrifice everything I have just to hear you yell out from the kitchen when someone tried to get you to eat. I would give anything to walk into your room and see you lying on your bed, half asleep. I would give anything to be able to yell at you when you tried walking away on your own. I would give anything to be able to coax you and feed you again. I would give anything to hear you whine in your sleep. I would give anything just to see the way your face would light up at the thought of sweets.

There was so much I left unsaid and now its too late to say anything at all. I want you to know that I love you - even if I didn't show it much in the last two years. I didn't mean to stay locked up in my room most of the time - it was only because seeing you being ill was too hard for me. I wanted your good days to stay in my memory and not your bad ones. Im so sorry if I ever made you feel like I didn't love you. I'm so sorry if you ever thought that you were being a trouble to me.

Even when you were suffering in pain and I spent the night taking care of you, you looked up at me and said "You poor thing, because of me you have to go through so much trouble."

You always thought of me. And tonight, I can't stop thinking about you.

I'm sorry - please know that I'll always love you.

Moments of oblivion

The book slipped from her hand and dropped to the floor as she fell asleep.

Her soft breaths muffled the silence in her apartment. Water trickled, one drop at a time at the far end of the room. The ticking of the clock sounded louder than it was meant to be.

Someone was playing the piano a few floors below while someone else paced up and down on the floor above. The couple that lived next door were arguing over dinner and the voices drifted into her room.

If one listened closely enough, the rustling of the leaves on the trees down below characterized the wind. A dog whined as it nursed a wound.

The pages of her book ruffled as it lay on the floor.

But she dwelled in oblivion.

She couldn't hear any of it, not ever her soft breaths.

Lamp posts and gifts

Maturity comes when you learn to accept loss.

She sat and looked across the lake. The crickets were specially loud that night. The chattering of people on the other side floated through the air. The humid wind blew across her face. A tiny frog hopped into the water. She leaned against a lamp post and took a deep long breath. She smiled to herself as she heard laughter from the other end.

Memories of conversations that lasted entire nights, tears that were shed, jokes that were cracked, dreams that were built - they all came back to her. This had been their spot. A place they called their own. Some of her best times was under the lamp post, overlooking the lake and the entire city.

Tonight, she was there alone. Everything was exactly the way it had always been - but he wasn't there. Her heart tugged but there were no tears. There was no pain, no hurt, no sorrow. Instead, there was joy as she thought about the good times, there was peace as she thought about conversations that taught her to be who she was today, there was love as she thought about the times they spent in silence and there was warmth when she thought about everything he'd taught her.

The next morning would come and she'd wake up like everyday and go on with her life without him. But it no longer made her sad. Because she knew that what he'd left behind was what made her who she was today.

She was his farewell gift to her.

Behind the mask

Masks.

Big colorful ones. Tiny demure ones. Sexy intriguing ones. Dark enveloping ones.

What happens when they come off? Who is that person behind it?

All my life, I've walked around thinking that masks are for cowards. For those who don't have the courage to let the people around see them for who they are. I kept letting people se through me. I made excuses for them when they hurt me. "Atleast I let them see the real me", I'd think.

The scars and the blows got bigger, my excuses got weaker. I tried, I swear I did - I hoped against hope that it'll all be okay. But it just got worse.

Till one day, a single blow brought me hurtling down. The excuses vanished and I just lay there, gasping for breath. Everything fell to pieces. It hurt so much that I stopped feeling it.

Nothing.

Zilch.

I stopped feeling the hurt. I just felt faintly bitter but I knew that if I had to survive, it would only be with a mask.

So here's my mask - one thats made of spunk, joy, being carefree - one that hides my vulnerability, stops me from telling someone what I feel, one that makes me feel powerful and strong when I'm behind it.

But tonight, its just me. No mask. No walls. Nothing to protect me.

Just me.

Lullaby

I can feel my layers get ripped out. The pain of the present make the past dull. I miss who I was but I'm forced to change, to "grow up", they say. No place for emotions or feelings; just the cold wind whistling in through the window.

I want it to be refreshing but it just leaves me with goosebumps. I tell myself that change is good, change is the only constant - my bitterness will do good for me and one day, there will be someone who will make it all go away. But that someone might never turn up. After all, it is time to grow up isn't it?

Believing in something and hoping for it was what I grew up doing. I got hurt over and over but I never gave up. Today, after all those sleepless tearful nights, all those consoling talks with best friends, all that time I spent nursing my broken heart thinking there will be someone who'll make it all better - I give up.

Because at the end of the day, you're all you've got. You are the only one who can fix that heart. You are the only one who can wipe the tears away. When it gets cold at night, you're the only one who can get warm. There is no "someone".

Its just you and the world.

And its finally time to accept it.

So lay your head on the pillow and sing yourself a lullaby.