Something that I believed would be my "nirvana". Love, one word that can make anyone smile. It made me smile. I thought being in love was the best feeling in the world. For a brief period, maybe it even was.
I associated love with endless hours of silly grinning, whispering on the phone in the middle of the night, typing out little black hearts at the end of every sentence, having a "perfect" picture framed on your table, long walks, electrifying kisses and the most exclusive hugs you can get in a lifetime.
You're probably thinking how naive all that sounds. Well, if you aren't, then I definitely am.
I grew up a little, got into a relationship. The meaning of love changed. Love meant endless hours of talk on the phone, honesty, the meaning of forever, dinner at a cozy place, talks about life, sharing our deepest darkest secrets, a relationship without judgement, laying in each others' arms through the night, heated arguments that ended with I-love-you's, hugs that froze the world around you and kisses that made you feel like you belonged.
But that passed too. The same "love" that I had given so much meaning to, left me broken hearted, lonely and desperately searching for the scattered pieces of my life.
I grew up a little more, shook off every bit of naiveness I had in me and looked straight ahead.
I started questioning the very basic associations I made with the word "love".
The little black hearts, the whispering on the phone, the love songs, the perfect hugs, the dinner dates, the kisses - they all went out the window.
Instead, hurt, rejection, caution, tear stained pillows, bars of chocolate, heart-break songs, disbelief and dismissive thoughts moved in.
When I was younger, I faced rejection from a boy who sat two seats ahead of me in class and spoke to me only when he wanted me to help him out with his artwork. I was hurt, but my heart still believed that love was wonderful.
I faced rejection again from a boy who would sing to me on the phone because I loved his voice so much. I still believed in the existence of a happy ending.
The boy who became my best friend and had me by his side the whole time rejected me too. My belief flickered, my heart cracked but I still believed.
The boy I thought I would spend forever with, changed. Endless nights of yelling and crying resulted in a broken relationship. It also resulted in a shattered heart and a belief that had seized to exist.
So here I am today, one year later - still trying to figure what I think love is. Hurt or joy? Acceptance or rejection? Security or false hopes? Little black hearts or the shattered one I'm nursing?
What is it? What is Love?
Love is shit and it doesn't exist.
ReplyDeleteI like your post though :)
Why is everyone so interested in asking what is love? No one asks what is faith? No one quantifies, measures or expects significantly constant happiness from it. Or from trust. And yet we accept that they exist. And that we need it. And with out these unmeasurable quantums our lives wouldn't be as wholesome.
ReplyDeleteThings aren't always the sunny side up. An egg is an egg cus its white AND yellow. Maybe the little black hearts and cozy dinners have meaning only because ours hurt now and then, and you can remember the scores of meals we've skipped too pained to eat.
Maybe its not something we look for, something that can be classified. Maybe its just something we grow into, we learn to live with.
That said. Writing was brilliant. As alway.
Prune P. P. F.
<3
god forbid you become the incurable, delusional optimist winona is! i know it hurt, love :( i think the point is to grow up, learn, become self protective to an extent, and at the same time be open to learning even more, realising that there are people who would be missing out if you became a stereotypical and disappointed cynic!!...and maybe when you grow up, what you learn is to take care of yourself next time you get hurt, not how to prevent yourself from getting hurt :) what say you?
ReplyDeletei dunno what love is, but i do think it can spring on you at any time...it's up to you whether you'll accept it or not, and if you do, it does and will exist for you.
=)
ReplyDeleteI'm definitely not the stereotypical cynic - I have too much hope and glitter for that! But lately, I've seen myself pulling away from guys before anything even happens - I'm scared!
I'm hoping that all this will change when i meet someone I love enough to get over my fear for; but then again, what if my fear is holding me back from loving someone enough to care?
That was so very well written Purva..Words poured out from my heart would sound the same..gone are the days when love used 2 be all "dream-like" or a fairytale..where the prince and princess would live happily ever after..basically love is..
ReplyDelete"Instead, hurt, rejection, caution, tear stained pillows, bars of chocolate, heart-break songs, disbelief and dismissive thoughts moved in."
This is the correct thought!! This post actually gives us a reality check.
Superbly Written!!
you're going to overcome that fear when you meet the right one!
ReplyDeleteso maybe that fear is just your instinct protecting you from the wrong one!
you never know:)
loved it by the way... you say things my heart can only dream of!
ReplyDelete"Love is a many-splendored thing."
ReplyDelete"Hurt, rejection, caution, tear stained pillows, bars of chocolate, heart-break songs, disbelief and dismissive thoughts" are as much a part of it as "endless hours of silly grinning, whispering on the phone in the middle of the night, ...little black hearts ... a "perfect" picture framed on your table, long walks, electrifying kisses and the most exclusive hugs ..."
P.s: I love you
I love you too Sam!
ReplyDeleteAnd yes, maybe someday, fear will be a thing of the past!
LOVED the writing <3 'tis beautiful! :)
ReplyDeleteand don't worry love! to have faith in the inherent goodness of a soul is better than to fear the possibility of evil :) just put your best foot forward and say "i'm purvaa, queen of the land and NOBODY can hurt me because i refuse to let you!" :D
<3
Purvaa,
ReplyDeleteI read every post that you have made to this blog and I cannot thank you enough for helping my bottled emotions find solace in your writing.
Thank you.
That is the best compliment I've ever gotten. Thank you for giving me that honour.
ReplyDeleteSomeday someone will walk into your life and you'll see why it never worked out with anyone elese. True Story :)
ReplyDeleteNew here! Stopped because I spotted this post, and felt like I was reading my life about a couple of years back. So just wanted you to know how you just have to wait for that aforementioned 'someone' :)
Cheers,
Annie.
Its so interesting to note that we all are so self protective... that means there is a myth that LOVE means all fun, all nice good feeling and nothing to do with crying or disappointment or fights or arguements!!! this itself prevents love from touching many... I have been an undying romantic last 40 years and I have always been in love within me no matter what is happening around me. Because for me LOVE is a space within me, a feeling, a state of being, that can be stimulated by myriad number of people and events. It can also just be through the memories. A toothless smiling oldman on the road; a beautiful perfect rainbow; the tiny tender hands of the child touching me softly; the sleepy eyed face of my doggy; the strong arms of my dear friend around my shoulder; even a deep felt look from your beloved which says I understand... all create a feeling within which says Life is worthy; Life is for celebration. Love for me is therefore that brings me to the highest level of capability to be worthy of life...as long as life exists in the world, love exists and no one can change that!!! Lots of love to each one you
ReplyDeleteWhen two people surrender their egos and shed all their inhibitions to seek each other, to feel complete and complemented by each other. Then they feel a beautiful presence of bliss, content, peace and a purpose.Then they desire no more, they want no more, they have all they need.Then they are in love. Never mistake your pursuit of love to be the feeling of love. Love once found can never be lost. Remember, the feeling of being in love is more beautiful than loving someone or being loved by someone. Take Care.
ReplyDelete