Brighter than before!

When there was a heavy gloom settling around me, I felt trapped and suffocated. The gloom invaded my heart and my mind, throwing me completely off the balance I'd created for myself. Lying in an unknown corner, I cried, yelled, got violent and gave up. I sat there, pitying my state, hating him. People around me had no idea what was happening, I had no idea who I was becoming.

And then it hit me. I'd given so much of myself to him, I'd made myself so vulnerable that when things turned sour, I gave him the power to destroy me. I thought he loved me too much to do that, but I was wrong. He shattered my heart, broke my spirit and ripped apart my self-esteem.

I had no idea who I was anymore.

I cried myself to sleep for countless nights, grew violent because of my helplessness and became a cynic - the one thing I hated in others. I Grew to hate myself, hate who I was and soon, people outside could see that.

Time is a healer, they all say, and they say right! those who truly loved me eased me out of my gloom and my helplessness and showed me who I was. They helped me rip him out of my life, helped me put my own shattered heart back together.

They believed in me, they loved me, they hugged me and they trusted me.

And just how the phoenix rises from its ashes, I'm rising now, stronger than ever.

I felt a while back that I had nothing left to give to anybody, but now I have all the love, care and support to give the world.

I'm back and this time, I'm older, stronger and wiser.

I might be hurt again, but this time, I will not let go of myself.

And this is a thank you note to those who showed me what unconditional love really means.

Flame of hope

A strange sense of relief.

Tears of loss.

The heart yearns for what is not,

And the brain yearns to justify what is.

Why does my heart want that

which my brain doesn't?

Why am I justifying,

convincing myself of something that has to be,

but isn't?

I anxiously wait for what is going to be,

I painfully miss what was.

The flame inside just went out,

"No hope!" the heart cries.

Darkness lies ahead,

And I venture against my will.

Will I find what the heart wants?

Or will the brain justify that

what I want is what I have?

Will I find you,

or do you not exist?

Will I ever smile,

the way I did last night,

in your arms?

Or is that a fragment of my Phantasm?

Will logic and the sensibilities of the world

keep us apart?

Or will the melodies of our souls

harmonize to become a tune?

Do you know me?

Will you remember me?

Will you hold my hand in the darkness?

Will you light my flame of hope?

Scenes

An Ordinary Girl, with not-so-ordinary hopes and dreams.

She was always lost in a different realm,

where her life was a movie,

and as every scene played in her head,

she saw herself serenading through the emotions.

She jived with joy, sang melancholy,

burned with anger and lived with passion.

She dreamed about being everything she wanted to be,

Doing everything she wanted to.

She dreamed of working so hard, that when she put her feet up at the end of the day,

She felt deserving of it.

She dreamed of a love,

powerful enough to change the world.

Passionate, intense, and yet silly and a complete cliche!

She saw herself being proud enough to tell everybody, "Yes! He's the one!"

She saw a moment of enlightenment, where she would know.

Just know.

And thats all there was to it.

She saw herself living in a place she could call her own,

A place that would envelop her with warmth,

make her cozy.

She dreamed of doing something that would quench her thirst for contentment.

Ah, contentment.

There were scenes of pure joy, ecstasy,

And of course, the tears, like in every movie.

She dreamed of a happily ever after.

But as this ordinary girl grew up,

she realized her life wasn't a movie.

It was reality.

And it hit her hard.

She hurt more than she wanted to,

she loved more than she wanted to.

she cried more than she wanted to.

There were moments of joy and ecstasy,

But they were never the ones to stick on.

Only the lonely heart.

She braced herself,

filled herself with all the optimistic thoughts she could conjure,

And yet, during those moments of hurt,

She cried.

Nobody knew.

She hid under the covers,

Not knowing what made her feel that way.

But she did.

She felt frustrated, wishing she could find a reason for her tears,

She didn't want to be irrational.

That was nowhere in the scene.

And then she realized it.

It was nowhere in the scene.

Her love felt so lifeless,

And she felt scared.

Her love was rational, and it worked in more than one way,

But it was not in any of the scenes.

She told herself, "life is not a movie!"

But when she put her feet up at the end of the day,

She yearned for passion.

Crazy love.

Tiring days.

Laughing till her sides hurt.

Watching the sun set.

Crying her heart out.

Holding someone close enough to feel their emotions.

But most of all,

She yearned for those scenes in her head,

To become the scenes of her reality.

Unopened letter

Dear Whoever-cares,

I hate this. I hate it when I wish for something and I get it, but I then realise that its not what I need. I hate it when I have to break his heart, I hate it when I have to be the bad one. I hate it when I feel hollow and lonely as I lay down to sleep. I hate it when I get up again, in the middle of the night, after trying so hard to fall asleep. I can't even escape to my dreams, to a state of blissful ignorance, Where will I go now?

He made me so happy, he gave me everything I wanted, he loved me. And yet, why is it that I remember only those words that tore me apart and hurt me? Why can't remember any of the good things? Why don't I feel love any more? Why do I feel like my soul has been sucked out of me and lost, when this is the time I should pull myself together because of all the things I'm expected to do?

Is this a self fulfilling prophecy? Do I really not love him? Will I never find anyone who will love me again? Is that even a reason for me to stay in this?

Why is it that when my heart is so heavy and my eyes are brimming with tears of confusion, I have nobody to tell me it'll be okay? Why do I feel this way? Will I never know what love is? Will I never find it? Is what I felt untrue?

I just want to go away, to some place where no one knows my face, or my name. I want to dissolve into oblivion, and erase the memory of my existence in their thoughts. Take me away.

Take me away tonight.

Battle

There's always a battle happening in me, between my head and my heart. My head is always using logic, proof, analysis and implications to fight off the emotions, tears, love and pain of the heart. They fight so hard, both equally strong, fighting to reign over me. And just like how in every battle, it is the land that suffers the most, it is I who suffers. And I hurt the ones around me beyond what I would've wanted to. My turmoil, my frustration, my expectations destroys those around me.

And the sad part is, all this battle is happening so that I don't hurt you..

The language of your eyes

When I looked in your eyes,

I remember seeing my reflection in it;

and your laughter, your joy.

I saw you in your eyes,

everything you are, and everything you wanted to be.

I saw your spirit to live,

to take life as it comes,

the strength to fight, to love

as madly as you could, in the wildest dreams.

In your eyes, I saw everything I wanted to be,

everything I would spend the rest of my life trying to be.

But not anymore.

No longer does the spirit live,

No longer does the strength to love exist.

In those eyes, I see the sickness of the heart,

I see the pain that you've hid all these years from me.

I see the tears,

I see the shattered hope.

I see the reflection of my helplessness,

I see my inability to reach out.

I see the lost smile in your eyes.

In your eyes, my dear mother,

I see a lost smile.

And all I want is to find that,

and bring it back,

for I know, that if not anything,

it is one thing that'll keep you, me, us,

going.

Funerals

I've seen people at funerals. Some silently cry, some look into the distance, some wail, some seek consolation; but amongst all these people, there is always that one person who looks into your eyes, only for you to realize that there no longer is a burning spark in their eyes. They died too, on the inside.

I never knew what it meant to feel dead from the inside. But somehow, as my fire extinguishes bit by bit, with me desperately trying to keep it burning, I feel myself slipping away. I feel incapable of getting myself to face another day, to face people, to hold all my relationships together. What gave me joy before is what I'm indifferent to now. I feel weak, tired and pleading for something to happen.

The skies are dark, and soon, the rain will put off the fire.

Will it be my funeral then, or my re-birth?