On repeat

There is no reason to fret, nothing to grieve over. Things seem perfectly fine. And yet, there's a big hole where my heart's supposed to be.

Words don't flow easily anymore. The people who are closest to you are the ones that hurt you the most. And you just try to deal with yourself alone. 

Alone.

How did things go back there again? How can one feel alone when there are so many people around?

Its a strange kind of loneliness. The kind where you don't even know how to express it or how to deal with it. 

Nothing catches your fancy anymore. Not the books on your list, not the movies you were waiting to watch, not the food that you wanted to cook - not even the guy you wanted to see. 

You just feel like staying in bed. You just don't want to live anymore - exist for the sake of it. 

The only one who can fix things seems non-existent too.

There's just one song playing on repeat - pretty much like your life. 

Comfortably Numb

I sit around wanting to feel better. 

What are those words? Empowered? Determined? Motivated?

Yeah yeah, all those.

But I feel run down. When I think of the person I was a year back, I don't even recognize her. I try to conjure those feelings and try to be that girl. Who am I kidding? 

When you came into my life, you didn't just change it, you changed me. When you left, you didn't leave me broken, you left behind a part of you in me.

And now, every day, every single moment, I'm reminded of you. 

No amounts of getaways, cleansing processes or detox sessions will get rid of that. 

Sometimes, in frustration, I wish I'd never spoken to you. I wish we'd never bonded over our losses or our differences.

Then again, there are times when thinking of you makes me smile.

I've tried to stay angry, I've tried to cry about you, I've tried to convince myself that I'm better off.

Clearly, if I'm writing this, those emotions no longer exist.

I know I'll be okay, this isn't the first time someone's let me down. But this is the first time I've let someone down. And not only have I let you down, I've let myself down. 

Forgiving someone else has been very easy, but forgiving myself is giving me hell. Holding myself back from the dark side is torturous. It takes me so much effort to go through every day and stay alive.

Sleep is now a luxury.

My life is standing still and I'm tired of the feeling of procrastination it brings with it.

I fear I'll stay here till its too late to pick myself up. 

Comfortably numb, isn't that what they call it?

Chances

The last four months of my life have been the hardest. I've pushed myself to extents that I never dreamt of and did things that left people in my life wondering what the hell was going on.
I hurt myself and went around in circles and dug holes that I wanted to fall into. I wanted you gone so I could go back to being that person that I knew so well.

God damn, I just wanted to miserable because I didn't know what to do when life gave me so much to be happy about.

About a year and a half ago, I blogged about love and what it meant. And today, I think I finally understand.

Love is when your brother leaves chocolates on your bed because he finished the last box in the fridge last night.

Love is when your best friend yells at you from the other side of the world for being stupid.

Love is when he sees you in your most vulnerable state and still holds you like you mean the world to him.

Love is when your mother calls you every two hours for a week because you called her and cried on the phone.

Love is when he looks at you when you have a swollen nose and bed hair and tells you how beautiful you are.

Love is not always pretty, but it is beautiful. The fights happen because you don't want to let it go. There are moments when you just melt into a little puddle of goop because you're so touched by what the other person would do for you. It takes a lot from someone to love. But when they do, there's nothing that'll make them let go.

Its not a mystery. Its just something best appreciated without the questions and the analyzing.

Give it a chance. 

There comes a moment in everybody's life where the way they look at the world completely changes. That one event which sets them free of all the beliefs they've grown up with. One that defies sincerity, integrity, justice and fairness in this world.

The rage and anger that follows the event leaves me almost blind and senseless. I no longer believe in this world being fair and justice having its way. I know now, thats not how it works. Sincerity is just another commonly misspelt word and integrity is fading from the dictionary. To hold onto to these beliefs when they mean nothing is excruciatingly painful.

Chasing one's dreams always seemed like such a beautiful thing to do. It isn't. It's ugly, disappointing, morally cruel, unfair and most importantly, heart-breaking. For someone who thought life had been fair to her, I realize that I've had it very easy so far.

This is where the fight begins. The re-inventing of my morals. The decision about what I want to believe in and what I don't. This is where I have to realize that the only one who is going to believe in me is myself.

I will fight. I will fight till I die. Let me see if one of you F****** can stop me.  

Inconspicuous moments

She stood by the window and looked outside the window as the city went to sleep. The thought of him felt bitter but there was a sweet after taste. She sighed, too tired to conjure up an emotion. Accepting the fact that permanence is non existent was the hardest thing she had to do. But when she finally did, there was an overwhelming peace that came with it.
The lights in the city went off, one at a time, at its own pace. She turned around and looked at her king size bed. That big a bed could make a person feel lonely, specially since she knew what it felt like to have someone hold her every night.
She brushed her hair aside, reached over to shut her windows and got into bed. As she drifted off to sleep, a tiny tear fell onto her pillow.

A very small, inconspicuous tear. 

Fairytales

Its not about where you took me for dinner or what you bought me over the weekend.
Its not about all the wall posts you left or all the proclamations you made to the world.
Its not about how you hold my hand every time we're out or how you walk me to my doorstep.
Its not about the hearts or the many words we use while texting.

Its about how you spend two hours every morning just waking me up.
Its about those late night conversations we have, staring at the ceiling.
Its about how we struggle and yet, accept each other, just the way we are.
Its about the tears we silently shed at the thought of losing everything we have.
Its about the dreams we talk of, knowing that they'll probably never come true.
Its about how we say so much by just staying silent.

Its about growing up and realizing that fairytales don't end with a happily-ever-after but as long as they last, they're as beautiful as it can get.

All that mushy stuff.

I'm amused every time you get drunk and tell me how hot you think I am.

I'm taken aback when you notice how my earrings match my outfit.

I'm touched when you get down on one knee and ask me to be your girlfriend, simply because its something you've always wanted to do - drunk or not.

I'm shocked when you notice how my eyebrows have been done well.

I'm flattered every time you stroke my hair and tell me how its the best part my appearance.

I feel at peace when we sit in silence and just watch the lake.

I'm taken aback when you stay the night to take care of me.

I'm in disbelief every time you hold my hand, kiss it and then look at me like that.

We fight, throw our egos around, make a fuss, cry a little - but somehow, I never seem to remember any of it when I think of you.

You make me listen to silly love songs on the internet radio.

You also make me forgive you for the earrings I've lost with you.

You bring out the bollywood in me.

You believe in me and that makes me believe in myself.

This might be mushy, but I mean every word of it. Besides, I'm allowed a mushy post once in a while!